Workaholic Dreaming

I was reading my sister's chick-lit book,Sphie Kinsella's The Undomestic Goddess,just for kicks is all.Its about this workaholic chick.In the midst of it all,I wandered onto a thought.Was what I going through now with school and CCA nothing else but a scaled-down version of the rat race?

The rat race,where everyone spends their time trying to outdo everyone else or for the most part,just try to keep up with everyone else.Inbred into young minds,particularly in a country Singapore.Creativity?? Only if you've got cash to fall back on.If not,you'll get weird judgements and looks.

So that doesn't leave much choice for the youth does it? To survive,you have to at least have this and that and this etc...so we gotta chase it and work for it.Unless you are the lucky few that have cash or stumble on a great idea that will bring you loads of cash.

So you tell yourself that you'll work to achieve your goals.Problem is,we all get so entrenched in the chase that we never get out.How many people's dreams have been lost,casulties to the chase...

Same for me,and my mates as well,perhaps.We tell ourselves that we WILL achieve our dreams one day but we gotta work first to be financially secure to achieve these dreams.In that pursuit,dreams will fade and become nothing but a memory.

So even if I tell myself today that I will not forget about my dreams during the chase but how do I know that I won't forget.

I think to not forget,we must not take ourselves too seriously.We must remember to call the dreamer from our youth.The one that made our mind wander when we were in school and in the midst of lessons.The one that brought to us daydreams.That person must exist again.

Adults must daydream.You may call it wishful thinking.But if we get the money when we work we can actually have the finances to make those wishes come true.

Its not something set in stone.Its not a proven theory.Its just something that I've thought about.A point of view if you will.

I may have some other matters to blog about but some other time perhaps.I'm too knackered.Its a bit late cos I do have to wake up for school at 6am.

P/S - I'm in the middle of writing 3rd song.The subject matter was supposed to be something else but then some other thing popped into my head and it sounded good and also relavant so I worked with it.

Chivalry Should Never Die

I got back today from the 2nd CCA sleepover. Tiring stuff...then again,when is it anything else but? Managed to catch some shut from about 430am to 7,an hour longer than in the previous sleepover.Couldn't say that for my teacher who did not sleep at all.

One more week of meetings and rehearsals to go.Might as well be a month.June 4.That's the date when all this will be over.

How would you feel if you knew someone that life had not been fair to? That person is no one special to you but you still feel for her and the bad thing is that you can't do anything to change that.That sucks cos all you can do is lament how unfair it is for that person.So what else can you do?

What I would do is just be a friend that helps a friend in need.The friend needs no pity or sympathy friends but real and sincere friends instead.That friend has no absolute disability but it does make yours truly feel real sucky when that friend suffers her bouts.To have to live with a condition for life is an impossible thing to ask of anyone.The fact that this condition is veiled and is tucked in with the normalcy of daily life makes it even more amazing than if it were to be seen for what it is by everyone.

It would be less fun but even when lending small,neglible favours to that friend,it would be best to do it with all of sincerity and as hard as it is,expect at the same time,to not receive recognition from others or even from that person receiving the favour.For those are the favours expected as a friend.

What you should find as the issue of utmost importance is that you do those favours with the fullness of your heart and again,sincerity is key.Doesn't matter if reward is nowhere in sight or you even seem to get 'pushed around'.If you think what you do is the right course of action then care not the conditions.

Difficult matter in this day and age and I would agree but even if we do it once in a while,it would be a fair thing.

The worst thing you could do is to evoke sympathy into that friendship and looking at the condition instead of the person and their own personal qualities.Be a friend to that person and do so without asking yourself whether that person would do the very same things for you.Do because you want to.

It is easy to mistake favours for hidden agenda but what this writer believes that if you believe in what you do with your heart then you should not be affected by what others say.

I'm not sure if readers would understand me or what exactly is the point of this post but lets just say that it is my personal view on a matter I've come across recently.

All I Am Is Me

Finally....after a year of waiting,I caught The Da Vinci Code.The book was one of the most enthralling and thought- provoking reads I've ever experienced in my life. Speaking about just the movie by itself,I have to admit that much of the suspense of the book,regarding the befuddling clues and riddles,were absent in the movie which was quite unlike the book.But I will take a sympathetic view on this,considering that director Ron Howard had the uneviable task of converting a good book into a good movie.A good movie it was.For those who haven't read the book,I highly recommend the movie,even if is just to see what the fuss is about.I have to with a sense of acceptance that the movie is nowhere near as good as the book but that doesn't mean that the movie sucks,its just that the book is really good.
3 out of 5 stars.

I was wondering something quite a while when I was reading my Robert Ludlum novel in the CCA room.I was just wondering whether it wasn't really the girls.It was just me.What I mean by that,there must be something FUNDEMENTALLY unattractive about me that made girls find me in their sincere( I hope ) opinion nice kind of guy.But nice is all.They would stop at that and would not find enough to be attracted to me physically.

Only in rarefied cases,do looks not play a part.I believe it is human nature to be physically attracted to somebody when looking for a companion of any kind hence I believe looks do matter,in that sense,no matter how small a part it plays.

In that case,I think I know why and perhaps in what ways I'm not attractive.In the past,I would bemoan this fate and even now I am tempted to do the same but the voice in me now says that I have accepted it more somewhat and am a little okay with it.Although I wish he could have done more and been more 'fair',I know that God created me like I am for a reason and for that I accept,regardless of whether or not I am fully satisfied,I accept.

I have not the voice that Roswell Girl's new boy has been blessed with,for surely if I was,I would serenade her with a song.I wish it so yet I accept was has been given.

I don't want myself to be anybody else.No matter how I may wish it at times,I believe in God,in that He created me this way because it is His right and He has His reasons.

But...what I do wonder is that whether what I have,whatever little God has given me,can a girl fall in love with whatever I have in me,can a girl be attractive to me? I don't know.Right now,it seems not.That's why I made no impact on MJ,neither was one made on Roswell Girl,in the weeks leading up to her breakup with her ex,which put me out of the contention when the new boy then came along.

Keep in mind,I don't want any girl to just fall in love with me.I would much rather it be a girl that I fancy myself.
Would I be with someone that I wasn't attracted to? NO ! That would be against my principles.This is one that I would not stoop to compromise just for the sake of being with someone.Call me selfish,picky,choosy whatever.I'm not apologising.But I'm sure that even if you disagree,you'd be able to understand my point of view.I choose to be this way when it comes to matters particularly like this.

That being with someone was not merely a status but something that was to be taken with a sense of seriousness.
Flimsy flings just aren't my thing.

Going back to an earlier point...girls aren't gonna be interested in what I have.Not the ones that I'm interested in anyway.That may change in the future,that is up to God to decide.Disappointed? Maybe...

But like I said,I accept all this and just move on.Affected but just a little.Not as shaky in confidence as I was when I was younger.

Anyways,was looking thru some of the mags on the rack at 7-11 and I saw on Maxim,I think it was,labelled as the the next big thing was....Kristin Cavallari...cool.She's hot.Watch MTV's Laguna Beach and you'll see her.

I wanna find time.I wanna catch up on my Season 3 episodes of The OC.I have 10 episodes in my computer.Only watched 4 or 5 episodes though.Maybe I'll manage to squeeze in some time this week and watch a least a couple,if not all.

Digging In Deep With Nothing Left But Faith

Its been another boring weekend to cap off another tiring week.Spent a total of 6 days,including Saturday,in school preparing for the competition for which we have to be ready by Friday.Today is a mundane day with hardly anything going on.So not exactly the best week.

Full dress rehearsals on Saturday and the actual recording day is on June 4,which happens to fall on a Sunday so that's just peachy isn't it? That's the target date that I'm looking towards when there will be some respite and I can look to refocusing my energy on my studies,particularly on the Entrepreneurship module where I will be part of a group of people that will have to crack our brains to come up with the technical explanation that will bring our idea to life.

This CCA has seriously been a drag.I mean yeah,I like it but I also just realised that its been a non-stop locomotive that's been at full speed since weeks before the orientation.That's somewhere around early April.Its continued with plans catering to the new intake and all this is smack dab in the middle of a major event;interwined with this national competition.Its a long grind but I expect everyone involved will be begging for a break,including the teachers.I expect a week or two off from this competition.At this point,I'll take anything.

Meanwhile,I have to keep in mind that I have to come up with ideas for the National Day skit.Its only in August but its good to come up with ideas.I don't think I'll be expected to develop anything till late June.So there is still time to deal with that.

Yoinks ! So much going on.I wish it could be like before where all I had to do was concentrate on the academics and not all this extra stuff.If that was the case,I would just be thinking about the tech specs for my Entro. module idea...a lot less on my plate.

Aboot 5 weeks of school left.I know that my half-semester tests are coming,don't know when but I got to keep up with my studies so that I won't get left behind.Actually I'm doing just fine,its just that I wanna really be on the ball this semester when it comes to the academics.

No MJ or Roswell thoughts for the time being.Actually leaning towards MJ,like I should be,but really,what's the point.What's the point in leaning towards anything,it'll just be futile right?

It would be nice if something could happen to pick up my tired spirits.I hope something does come,I'd be grateful for it.

Always Wishing You Were Here; I Know Better

I was in class that day when Roswell Giel's new boy called her.Hearing the way she spoke to him,I got clouded and jealous.I later came to senses and just said to myself that I shouldn't have felt that way.In no way is it Roswell Girl's fault that I fell for her.I need to make that clear.

Yes,I do wish that it was me instead of the other guy but really,sometimes I have to accept reality.I have my own reasons that makes me know why she would never see me the way I want her to.

These reasons are the brutal truth and I cannot hide from them.All I can do is move on.

Roswell Girl has a new guy.MJ has yet another admirer.Sigh.I wish them both well.In the past I would have raised my hands in despair and surrendered to life but this time,I'm moving on instead of brooding.I will reflect and feel moments of sadness no doubt but I will press on in life cos I have things I need to do.

Does it mean I'm giving up on them? Well,not exactly.I'll still be very happy if either suddenly decides to plant a kiss of kindness my way.I'd always be there if they ever needed me.I'd still hold my door open.I would still try.Maybe just not as hard as before.

God,I really hate it that I use the phrase 'either of them'.It shows that I don't really fully love either and can make do with either one.NO ! That is not what I want.I would very much rather be able to say just one girl's name.Its what they do to me,both of them that has gotten me confused.God,I now know how Archie Andrews feels about Betty & Veronica at times.

In some sense,I do feel that MJ would be the one that I prefer simply because I said I fancied first and it is a matter of loyalty but it is super complicated.More so than Roswell Girl.But Roswell Girl has her own charms that make her own complications.

Don't see me as a shallow person that just wants someone for that sake.I'd rather live and die alone than be seen as that.Honest.I'm the kind of guy that if he wants a girl and wishes for that gal to like him back just as well.In return,I would do by best to keep that going,with many mistakes made along the way.

I have no idea what the future holds for me.Sorrows more than joys perhaps but I tell you,if the joys outweigh the sorrow in terms of value,it would be worth it.Depends on how God decides to play with my life.I don't feel blessed yet there are many things that I am thankful for.

I wish them well in both in love and life.I'd just be a friend to them.If that is deemed my fate then I'd do my part to be the one of the best.Maybe not be their best friends but certainly doing whatever I can whenever I'm called on as a friend.

I'll Just Wait

Been coming back even later than usual these past 2 days.2 nights ago,I got in at 10+ and it would have been later had it not been for the fact that I got a lift back home from my teacher after dinner which she treated about 8 of us the students.Its so nice of them to do that and I feel bad cos its like I'm imposing on them cos they had to make a short detour from the usual route,even if was sorta on their way.And then,last night,I got in at almost 11 cos I went to Ikea to get some props after meeting that ended at about 830pm.

Great life I have.

I was watching 'There & Back Again' on MTV the other night.It was a reality show following the attempts of Ashley Parkey Angel,who was a member of the now defunct boyband O-Town.He's trying to break back into the industry with an upcoming new album.He has a wife,a newborn baby.The thing is,whatever money he made from that time has dried up and he's just about making ends to support his yung family.He even was willing to go to a temp agency to get a job and it wasn't beneath him to get a job as a construction worker for a day.Anything to support his family and I found that something I could respect.

Its a noble thing he's doing.I wish that if I was put in a situation like him,I would have his maturity and determination to deal with it all.I hope that I would have the financial muscle to give the ones that matter a comfy life.I'm working towards that goal now but its still far away.

Thoughts of Rome are still there but what it really signifies,you have to understand is that if I have the money to go to a place like that,wouldn't that mean that in terms of finances,I'm in a very good situation? So Rome isn't just a place I want to visit,its an idea as well.

Well,he's got a record out on the radio,he's on tour promoting his album and I don't know how much success he'll have but I'm sure that it will help him and his family.

After all that's developed with MJ and Roswell Girl,I decided that while its nice to be wanting them its also irritating to be 'craving' for it.I've got my studies to focus on first and as much as it sucks,its clear whoever that girl is,she's not here yet.

Why does that suck? Well,my theory is that since MJ and Roswell Girl is already here,they can't be not here yet so that says that neither will be the one that is there later on.Neither crazy-cool MJ nor sweet,sweet Roswell Girl.

Well I understand why girls aren't interested in me in that way,even if they've told me that I look good and the girl that gets me will be lucky,so in the meatime I'll be focusing on my studies.If she comes,then she comes.

For my Entrepreneurship module this semester,I've managed to be in a group that includes Roswell Girl,together with 3 other girls.The good thing is,one of them had a really good idea and I'm looking forward to working with people that are rather motivated and that bodes well for me in terms of having a committed team in this project.The teacher heard our idea and was vey supportive,so I hope we deliver on that count.

It's Been A Whole Year !!

WOWWWWWWWW......I can't believe it !! According to my blog, my 1st post was on 16th May 2005.Today is 16th May 2006...which means its a whole bloody year !!! Its surprising that I've managed to keep this thing up and running for so long.After nearly a thousand views,I'm still writing.Cool.

My mate said that I should continue to write as my blog seems to be interesting.That's what they say.Initially I planned to start this blog so I could keep my mind active.I say I've managed to achieve that.

Lets see...

After all that I'm STILL after MJ.Though developments have forced me to cool it after recent developments over the year.A lot of things have happened and yes,it is frustrating cos I feel that I've made very slow progress and I seem to be nowhere and there are times that I feel that I should just give up.But somehow I just keep coming back..

And then Roswell Girl happened.

BOOOOM ! Was I ever caught unaware.Like a deer in a headlights,she left me with jaw agape,literally.In a school with where 80% of the students are of the frmale variety,she was the only one not to only catch my eye but probably the rest of me as well.I tried to resist,I swear I did.But it wasn't too long before the struggle proved futile.Only positive reactions from MJ would have been the antidote.That's played a part certainly but Roswell Girl had charms of her own.

Alas,she turned out to be a great friend.That is such a good thing that I'm thankful for most definitely.It is no fault of hers that I fell hard for her.As stubborn as I can be about these things I've accepted that things can never happen with her.

You know,if MJ had liked me too,it would have made things a whole lot less complicated.By hey,my life doesn't roll that easy.

Its actually been a pretty good year.The quiet confidence now is a positive change from the uncertainty of life that was around when this blog came to be.

Thank God for that.

I'm still rolling with the punches and still figuring out life.My point is I'm still here,hanging on.

I'm still chasing my dreams.Now..where you at girl? Lol. Yeah,it does suck sometimes,when I think about it that neither MJ nor Roswell Girl is around God! I sound so 'playa' and shallow when I say that.

Don't misinterpret...I just find it compliacated that I fell for Roswell Girl.I didn't plan to and I don't want to but over the past few months I have.When the matter of the fact is that I would be very much content just liking MJ,even if that has its own complications) and not meeting Roswell Girl and thus,never even feel the way I do about her.

Ah,she's a great friend,a classmate and that's all.Far from dissatisfied.MJ's a friend to,even if I don't see her much.I haven't talked to her face-to-face for ages.

I hope I can keep this thing going.

Would it be wrong or weird if I said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOG !

Not wrong but I definitely feel that it is a little weird.

Whatever.

Fool Takes On The Muti-Dimesional Emotion

Another tiring day at school.Ended at 730 in the evening this time.Nothing new.Tiring stuff though.

Remember how I said once that I would like good,positive things to happen so that they could pick me up from the rut that I was in.It seems certain that while life is going good on the whole,nothing spectacular seems to ever happen so I would like to say that I am thankful for life that's been pretty full of opportunities for me even if seems to to suck sometimes.

In a reflective mood,sources I have it that MJ is feeling down.She wants to be with someone.But she's rejecting people(which probably includes me) cos she's looking for that someone she can make that special connection with.Well,how ironic...here's me wanting exactly that but it turns out fate decides that she's not looking to make that abovementioned connection with me..

This sounds like me from months back..I hope that MJ finds that someone she can make that special connection with.Too tired to make comments about my chances now and whether I'm giving up or not again...

Maybe I'm just looking just like her.But there is one thing or concept that I hate and I hope I never practice.That is being with someone just for the sake of 'falling in love'.That is so fake and untrue no matter how its covered up.

Said earlier that I was reflective.I'm also asking a lot of questions.Just wondering about what or how God has made me feel about this crazy little thing called 'love'.

I've been made crazy about 2 girls that I can never have.What's the actual point of all that? Why even make me fall for them in the first place? Am I still too young,just like I thought I was when I was in high school a couple of years back? Will I ever be old enough? I feel that this is probably it and I'll never really understand such a crazy concept.

I love 2 girls,in different ways and on different levels yet at times,when comparing the respective moments I'm caught up in the respective 'webs' of these 2,I seem to be equally captured by them.

So I asked God. ''What is this strange thing you've given me? This strange emotion...

I don't expect to be given the answer.

Falling in love all over again with Teddy Geiger's 'For You I Will' Initially it was probably cos MTV's Laguna Beach fave of mine Kristin Cavallari was in the video (I still can't believe she's my age ! She's cute...just in a celebrity sense of course) but this song is just full of emotion.Emotion that I want to be able to say to MJ...Roswell Girl....

Check it out on YouTube guys...if not to see why I like this song then at least just to check out how cute Kristin Callavari is,preferably for the 1st reason though.

Man,I don't know how I should be feeling right now.About MJ.About Roswell Girl.About BOTH !! Sad? Stubborn? Determined? Hopeful? Hopeless?? I don't know.......

ARRGGGHH !!

Dreaming With A Touch Of Reality

Haven't really had much to shout about.Had a good weekend though.The 2 weeks have been chock full with meetings and it was nice to have a break.Didn't do much except play soccer.It was good soccer though.I didn't play outstandingly but I had a fun run out as a DMC,the spoiler role.

MJ was absent as usual.All the talk about Roswell Girl went out the yesterday when I heard Craig David's 'Unbelieveable'.An innocuous song but that just kind of woke me up again.

God,its been so long...I'm still waiting for her.It may seem at times that I've forgotten about her just cos I don't see her and you guys read me writing about Roswell Girl but in all actuality I just really want MJ.Yeah,she said thru her bro that she wants to be friends.So do I but,but...the fool in me may think that because we aren't close and we're not close friends..I just want to see if we really can be close friends.Yeah, I want to test that out,how about it huh? Nothing may happen in the end but at least be friends.If she said it then make it happen.

Wait wait..I guess I'm just frustrated that there's never been many chances to make that happen.I admit that sometimes,the fact that I like her may make me sound too eager and desperate to be friends with her.Its just such a range of feelings and emotions that they get all mixed up that's why.

So,coming back to the waiting part I mentioned earlier,should I still be waiting? I mean,she did say that she wants to be just friends.I honestly say now that I can give no definite answer,even though the stubborn part of me knows that nothing will happen even if we become friends.Why??? Cos that's the part of me that is I daresay,inside every human being,every underdog that doesn't give up and hopes on something cos as far as he knows,nothing is definite and nothing is set in stone YET.

Perhpaps its wrong to use such dramatic analogies cos it isn't supposed to be that dramatic but maybe its just the best way to get the point across.

Despite that stubborn part of me,most of me is moving on(maybe that's why you see me talking about Roswell Girl more) because I simply have to.I have school,friends and a future to work out and I also know that MJ is young and I'm probably not gonna end up spending the rest of my life with her so...yeah.

I do wonder about Roswell Girl.She's a great gal that I know and being with her just tells me that there is so much more out there.I mean,I have my dreams right,like Rome,Europe etc for the first time prehaps she personnified or gave an example of the possibilities.

Do I wish that I could be with Roswell Girl? Of course but that'll never happen cos she's got a new guy.

Then you may ask.. what if things happen with Roswell? And not with MJ? What would I do? Would I take it? Of course I would....why??? Cos of the abovementioned reasons of moving on and MJ being young.Esp being young and not wanting to be with my kind of guy.If we were adults and this was like in the movies,the romantic comedies,I'd probably be the guy trying my best to still get with MJ amist all the comedic situations.But this is real life.

I'll just focus on school and other parts of life till this confusing stuff gets clearer.It can't be this confusing all the time can it?? Whatever,I'll wait for my chance.The important thing is,I have to take the chance when I see it.

School tomorrow,6 weeks left in the term.

I Hope She Isn't Gonna Be Offended

Roswell Girl didn't come to school today.She and a couple of my classmates had a dance performance at another campus.Wonder if her boy was there too.

Didn't do much today.There was a mix up with with the teacher's relief schedule and I had only 2 hours of lessons instead of 3 hours like I was supposed to.I had another CCA meeting but I really didn't feel up for it and most of the time sitting around waiting for 5pm to roll around so I could leave.I feel a little bad for not really helping today but they were doing the cutting and drawing for the props and given my ineptitude at arts and crafts,I would have been a liability.This was also why I was reluctant to help.

A mate saw Roswell Girl on the bus the other day.She was on her way to the driving center.Wish I had been there...

Anyways,I admit it was a little boring that Roswell Girl wasn't around.I was thinking about that when the chit-chat in the room moved up to snoring and it came about to Roswell Girl.One girl there said that it was nice to sleep next to her as she had done during the sleepover.When asked why,she replied that Roswell Girl slept in a cute,angelic and peaceful way.I can just imagine.Soon after the music of Dido was put into the sound system and sure enough the strains of 'Here With Me' started up.'Here With Me' is actually the theme for the now defunct show called 'Roswell' and the name Roswell Girl was coined from the fact that when I first saw her,she reminded me of an actress from the show,playing the lead girl,so that was why I called her Roswell Girl.

Nice string of coincidences.

Its been around for a while but it surfaced more after it was known that I like Roswell Girl,who had already gotten her scholarship,could be getting one as well.They made this joke about us being together and that since the 'wife' had gotten a scholarship,the 'husband' must get one as well and one that's more than hers.I took the joke in good stead,I'm worried that it may get to the point that she may get emabarrssed by the jokes.If if comes to that I will have to go and apologise for being the reason she is made the butt of jokes.I am not able to accept that a friend of mine is made fun of by others because of me.Its not widespread so its okay.The jokes bear no malice and are good natured.But ya know,I'm just being pragmatic and anticipating what could happen in the future.

No school tomorrow so its the start of the long weekend.Plan to get a littyle bit of studying in from now till Monday.

I need a good long sleep.I haven't been gettin enough because of school and the CCA meetings.Yeah,I've got a great schedule but teh downside is I start early 3 days out of 5 and its a real hassle to rush in the morning.I haven't been able to enjoy the fruits of my short day class schedule because of the fact tha I have to stay back for meetings.In fact,I've spending even more time at school than I used to previously.

I miss the times when I could come home from school and take afternoon naps :(

6 more weeks of school left till the term break.

Heavy Load? I Think So

Been wanting to blog for quite a while haven't had the time.All this is starting to sound very familiar.

Its been meetings,trips and more meetings for these past 2 weeks.I had a meeting on Monday,a shop-for-prop trip on Tuesday and another meeting today.I came home at 1015pm yesterday and 10pm today.Great.If I thought that I had tiring school days before,my definition of that has really been stretched the the fullest.

The newbies came in today.Look like a talented bunch.They're a little shy but they'll soon get over that once they get to the swing of things.I've officially been made the Drama/Skit Lead and I had to give a short speech.For the first time in a while.I wasn't really nervous or anything like that.I just got up and said it.Cool.Anyways,being Drama Lead means new scripts have to come from me but for the time being luckily we are focusing on other projects but we do have some activities to keep the frosh occupied.

Got some good news today.It turns out that I'm POSSIBLY eligible for a scholarship that is worth $1200.I need to apply for it and HOPEFULLY my application is successful and will get the scholarship.On top of that,if they think my results(which this 2nd scholarship is dependent upon) are good enough,I will get my scholarship for the 2nd year renewed.I got it in the 1st year.It was worth $1200 and if it gets renewed I will receive another $1200.By the way,these are 2 seperate scholarships.So if God decides to bless me,I will get a total of $2400 this academic year...COOL !!

Speaking of scholarships,I am also very glad to report that Roswell Girl was the recepient of a scholarship from Honda,worth $1000.Very pleased that some one like her gets good fortune like this.Very pleased for her.

Wow..its so nice to be reporting such good news.

If I'm not wrong,MJ should have finished her exams by now.Hope she has fun on her holidays.I wish I could be around but lets be honest,not only do I not have time but even if I did,its not like she would want to be around me.

I am telling myself that I should focus on my studies,not only for its obvious reasons but also beacause I really have nothing else to think about.I don't see the need to think about my CCA cos I'm so heavily involved that thinking about it outside of school is like so...unnecessary.

Think about Roswell Girl? No point really.MJ? I really,really,really want to but thinking about them will get me nowhere.Roswell Girl has got a new guy.MJ doesn't really fancy a new guy.Even if she does,she's not looking for my type of guy,even though I really fancy her.

So on a personal level,there is really nothing else to focus on but my studies.That kinda sucks but there's nothing I can do really...This weekend I'm talking some time out to catch up on my studies,just to make sure that I keep up with my studies.I don't wanna be doing that only when the exams are near.

If I had to have a girlfriend of my own race,it would be Roswell Girl :) Its good that I'm not confined to racial boundaries,that's why I can like MJ :)

God,the CCA is so exhausting its unbelievable.I know that some of my friends have had it a lot worse with CCA's before but I'm talking about me here,not them,and I'm finding it tiring.

Monday,Tuesday,Wednesday and Thursday...all filled with CCA work.

Phew...

You'll Never Know That These Words Are For You

Just got back from school.Later then scheduled because of what else but another meeting for the CCA.Tomorrow after to school I have to follow be part of a smll group of people that have to go round looking for props that we will be using for an upcoming show.Expect that to end late as well.

It seems that my more carefree days of school are a thing of the past.

I finished my song that I wanted to write.The 1st one was about MJ.This 2nd one,I didn't intend it to be about Roswell Girl.I just wanted to write about some of the things I felt during the emotionally confusing time that I've had recently.But I guess you wouldn't be wrong to say that the song does seem to be about her,if you saw the song.By the way this one is titled 'If I Could'.

About these songs,yeah,some of the girls in my class know about it and some of them saw the 2nd song today(they didn't know that who it was about of course).But heck,too many people saw it.Even a teacher saw it and commented onn it.Whatever.I'm not gonna really care about that.

Roswell Girl did see it.She even tried to sing both songs.Lol.I was just sitting next to her and I was smiling inside at the irony that she was singing a song that came about because of her....and she won't ever know that.I think that its something she can never know :(

Tired.But I will be reading through my module textbook to get a better understanding of it.Comedy night on the telly though.Good.

The Fight Shall Continue

Just a little bit today.

Its 1.53am in the wee hours of Monday morning.Went out with dad and the family to catch a movie and dinner as well.It was all right.Caught MI3 for the 2nd time! Lol.Got reminded on realised that in the movie,Tom Cruise could open any sort of lock;handcuffs,doors etc with a long metal pin.Weird.

As usual I was debating in my head about the Roswell Girl situation.I've got it under some sort of control and MJ's back in focus thankfully.But I also just realised one significant pattern.It may work out well when I don't see her but things take a step or two backwards everytime I see Roswell Girl again.What I mean is,its all nice and well during a break,like the weekend but Monday is the start of a new school week.Being around her a lot during school hours may make it deterimental to any progress I've made over the weekend.So I will be expecting a battle,mental anguish when I get back to school.

Anytime today when I was thinking about Roswell Girl,I reminded myself of MJ and the new guy in Roswell Girl's life,the one that she's got the hots for.Pretty much kills any vibe.Good.

Friday's a public holiday and I heard from a teacher that because of the recent elections,a yet-to-be-announced public holiday will be given to civil servants,which includes teachers,which means the students don't have to come to school cos no one would be there to teach them.Cool.

I guess that I will come to terms with not being given a chance with Roswell Girl and having the door slam in my face abruptly instead...sometime soon.Meanwhile,I realise that more days will come when I will have to fight to focus on MJ instead of Roswell Girl.

I know..I know...I don't stand much of a chance with MJ either.Its just that focusing on MJ would stop me from getting 'hurt' from Roswell Girl,which is a real case of so close yet so far.I also said that no matter what MJ felt about me,I'd still fancy her a little.I'm just keeping that promise.

Like J Lo & Ja Rule Said

I was officially appointed as part of the Exco for my CCA,the drama club.Its not publicly announced to the rest of the members yet though.I'm the Skit Lead,which means the onus will be on me,with the teacher's guidance,to come up with new ideas for new school skits and plays.The teacher says that more 'appropriate titles for the Exco positions are in the works.I initially said that I didn't fancy being part of the Exco but that was before I realised that it was the only way I was gonna get the 0.2 added to my GPA,especially since I came in with the expectation that I was not goinng to be given major acting jobs.

Had a meeting today to get ideas for a club T-shirt.Since we were the supposed 'Masters In Creativity'(MIC),we had to come up with stuff that differed from the norm of everyone else.I felt that is was very important that the design was one that members would not be embarrassed to wear outside and they would be able to pass it off as casual,everyday wear instead of showing the public the strong links to school and ITE,like most other CCAs do.

Found out something very interesting about my teacher.She's a fluent speaker of Mandrin,that I know but I had no idea that she lived in Germany for a few years and even has a house there still.She speaks fluent German and so does her husband.She even had her first child in a German hospital.

Yeah there are obvious links to MJ,with her being German and all but I don't really care about that.What I find interesting is that she's sorta has done what I dream of doing one day.Living a couple of years abroad,preferably Europe.She speaks German? Cool.Just like I wanna speak French and Spanish and if I get the chance then German and Italian.Gotta tell her that I find what she has done is something cool.Maybe she can relate.She's kinda of a cool teacher in that way.

Anyways after the meeting,I don't exactly know why but I went all the way to Plaza Singapura mall via train with the intention of checking out Roswell Girl,who had a dance performance in a roadshow.Maybe I coiuld even catch a sight of her boy who would very likely be there.It was at the outdoor atrium.

I was all the way at the mall entrance,the antrium in sight and the stage as well,when I stopped dead in my tracks.I asked myself what actually I hoped to achieve by being there.That somehow,by being there,Roswell Girl would see that I came all the way down to support her and that would earn me points? How is that possible? SHE ALREADY HAS A BOY SHE LIKES, YOU BLOODY ARSE !!

After that I was a mental wreck.On the train ride home and until just now,I agonized over the fact that I had went all the way down to a place just to score points with someone that was already attached...and then what about MJ ?? What about her?

I think that maybe the fact that Roswell Girl has already moved on to someone else after her breakup hasn't sunk into my noggin yet.I thought I had a chance a couple of days back but fate slammed the door in my face and I still haven't realised it yet.Its like a striker who's missed an open goal and the game is over,the fans have gone home,the stadium is empty and the guy is still on the field wondering what happened.

SHE'S GOT A GUY ! MOVE ON !!

I have to admit that I may have focused too much on Roswell Girl even to the point where MJ was overlooked.I realised that I did not want that to happen.I asked myself why it could happen.It was likely that I thought that 'the grass was greener on the other side' with what I thought was then an opportunity with Roswell Girl,a top-drawer gal that I was closer with.I took a long deliberative pause and reminded myself that the grass was only deceptively greener on the other side.I was tempted because I was not making progress with MJ.As much as that sucks,I told myself that I despite everything I still wanted to like MJ more than Roswell Girl.I know I've said something simalar previously but it was the first time I analysed the situation properly.

I want MJ but inactivity is making me look elsewhere,ie,Roswell Girl.To curb that I have made a resolution to distance myself from her,just a little bit.Just back off.Not well thought out yet so,I still don't know.

It may sound 'playa-ish' to say that I wish that I could be close friends with both girls and then see which one develops or neither for that matter.

I wanna be friends with both.The difference is I can see being best friends with Roswell Girl.Like thoe odd couples.Not an actual couple of course but those kooky best friends that hang out a lot.If it could ever become that I would be very pleased.With MJ,perhaps it is because that she is younger and also things about her,where we stand and what could develop remains a mystery,there is a different sense of hope,fingers crossed kind of hope.

Me and Roswell Girl,kooky guy and girl best friends,like umm...2 Guys and A Girl ? It would be very nice to see that.

Maybe we could be friends.

=)

Driving Me Up The Wall

Frustration doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling now.Well actually it does just about cover it but at the same time it feels like so much more.I don't really which way to go now but at the same time again,I feel like I'm in familiar territory.

Who or what exactly am I talking about?....Roswell Girl.

She's driving me nuts,she's in my head and she's not even aware of what she's doing to me.I even dream about her loads and I mean dream like...when I'm asleep not just daydreams.

The confusion is all added by the fact that MJ has virtually gone incognito and all I heard is that she just wants to be just friends.Not exactly the news that I want to hear.

But despite all that,doesn't Roswell Girl already have this new guy that she's interested in? If I already know that, how come I seem to 'forget' that fact whenever I'm around her? The same fact comes back to haunt me whenever I'm away from her...

I hate the fact that she's got my heart on a string (nice phrase!)

MJ's not interested in me,she just wants to be friends.I also hate that fate's brought me so close and so high with Roswell Girl and then slams me back down to earth with more cold,hard feel of reality.

Why am I so hung up over her? I am fully aware that I am and I'm doing my best to curb it.There's also MJ but that's another heartache for another day.Finding it difficlut to put emotions to words,just like most guys but damn,it sure is alot of emotion.

What's going on...not in the prime state of mind here.Whole lotta whatta,wanna and nah-uhhs buzzing about in my head.

It may sound undesirable but I think that it will be for my own good that I forget about her as soon as I can.Bad news is that relapses are likely given the fact that I have to see her for another year before she will be out of my life,out of my sight and out of my mind.Doesn't make sense that I'm chasing away a beautiful unicorn but that unreachable unicorn will cause me a lot of distress.

Just humour me for a moment here.Why do people fall in love? When all they do later is fall out of love.Falling out of love sucks.Question is,does it suck enough to avoid falling in love? Is it even possible?

I think not.

Ay! Amore!

KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid)

Been wanting to blog for the past 2 days I really was too tired to get about to doing it.

Tuesday was the first day back at school.Nothing much.Class didn't start so I hung around watching the 1st day of orientation for the new batch.Slacked with classmates till 11-ish.Then waited around till 3 for the final rehearsals to start.They ended at 745.Went for dinner at McDonald's.Left at 930.Reached home,used the laptop for a little while before I hit the sack.

Why? I had to wake up at 5am to leave for school and be there by 730 at the latest.Didn't have much to do.Got ready and waited for our turn to perform.Not really that nervous,just unsure about the microphones.Almost screwed up because of it but quickly changed mic's and said my lines.It turned out that we did really well and have a lot of people wanting to join.

I left school at 3 and went to meet my mate to catch MI:3.It was good.Of course it was.I didn't care about all the recent hoopla about Tom Cruise.He's an action star and he makes good action movies.The movie was sort of using the blockbuster name of Tom Cruise and action movies to make it work and,it did work.I simply wanted to watch an action movie with the works and MI:3 delivered.Leave any prejudices of Tom Cruise behind(not that I have any).
4 out of 5 stars.

Towards the final quarter I was feeling tired found it a little hard to pay attention.Must have been the fact that I had a taxing morning and the theatre was comfortably cold.But it was just for 2 or 3 minutes.Snapped back attentively when the twist came soon after.Ate dinner and went home.I went to bed almost as soon as I got home.I needed the sleep.

My new class schedule is pretty favourable.The latest time that I get to go home in the whole week is at 2pm.But the flipside is that I start at 8am in 3 days of the week.Which means I have to be present for assembly.But that's okay.Take today for example for example.I start at 8 but finish in 3 hours time at 11.Pretty cool.

Other than that,I still haven't seen MJ and Roswell Girl is still liking her new guy.Not much change on that.Other than getting closer to MJ,other changes not wanted.Especially with Roswell Girl,neither positive nor negative.It would just be too complicated at this point.

Just liking MJ is simple enough.She sauys she just wants to be close friends.I'll keep it simple and just aim to be close friend with her as well.Trouble is,its a bit difficult to get hold of her.I don't see her and she only comes online at certain times.

Plus,Roswell has this new guy that she is into and I wish her all the best and honestly,I really wanna focus on getting closer to MJ as friends.Anything more,I think not as she doesn't seem too keen on that and I'll have to accept that and work with what I have been given.

Labour Day Watch

Its May Day,Labour Day.One more day till school reopens.Yet to buy the new shoes for school,like I told myself I would.Have to get them later.

I'm okay with school reopening,although I do ask that it be less frantic and slower paced than the previous semester and less work than the last month,which was full of CCA activity.I don't mind the work but I just wanna be able to concentrate on giving the required attention to my modules.

Being Labour Day and all,its a public holiday and I'm just looking to hang around the soccer court kicking around.Maybe I'll get a glimpse of her if she decides not to hide from me and just face me like she would someone whom she wants as a close friend.

Considering whether to make the trip to Roswell Girl's town to give her the USB cable for my MP3 which jammed up and caused the battery to die out.I do feel bad that she might have to make the trip to school on Tuesday morning without the MP3 player,which screwed up,it is mine after all.I'll think about it.

2 movies this month rated as must-watch movies.MI3 and the Da Vinci Code.Been waiting for the latter for the best part of a year.Its here,finally.

With school reopening,I'll have to contend with the new batch.Not that I really care about them.Its just that they'll be excited...and noisy.Had a taste when the January batch came in.Hated it cos it was so peaceful before they came.The peace was fully appreciated especially in the canteen which became spacious after the departure of the then 2nd year June batch.My batch is the 2nd year batch now,having completed the 1st year.I know,I don't really care about them cos they won't affect me in my pursuit of making it to polytechnic but it will get awfully irritating in the canteen,particularly in the first few days.I will be pissed about the space and tables that they take up.

Played soccer the last 2 days.Played well enough when I didn't expect to and sucked when I needed to do better.

Saw the Ferrari Passion Eau De Toilette on sale for just $39.May buy.Wonder when I'll get the scholarship for $1200.Will I get it? Well,honestly,I think I should.4 'A's and 2 'B's should qualify as satisfiying results.Also may change my Sony Ericsson W550i to the newer W810i.No idea if the latter is any good.Will have to find out more about its features and whether its worth the trade in.

MJ's bro now know more about Roswell Girl.Told him that I was still crazy about his sis but its very difficult cos she wants to be just friends.Roswell Girl is also a friend but she's easier to talk to as compared to MJ,whom I barely see.I would like to definitely like to see MJ more.If I could get close to MJ like I did with Roswell Girl,I would be pleased as punch.

Not expecting much to happen with MJ later.I can still try though.