I Treasure The More Valuable You

Ok the comp been really lagging and its near reboot mode.Hopefull my sis will not have any objections this time round.

Been a while hasn't it? Since I made any last significant update.Even my last few ones have been below par in terms of substance,nothing more than random notes of heartbreak.

The exhilarating chase is over and I've come out burned.Wiser perhaps though that is still not proven.

To wish her 'all the best' would sound too cliched and too 'Hallmark' for me.Perhaps it would be better for me,someone who believe(believed?) in that romantic la-dee-das,to hope for the new couple that they get to undergo all the wonderful parts of a great relationship,agruements included.

Here's to them Roswell Girl and her boy.You 'll find happiness in my tragedy and still I smile.=)

You leave with me clutching on to fond memories and I say that 'you still have me the same way did when I first noticed you'.

But there is one regret,other than the obvious fact that she never chose me.The way we left things,it wasn't right.It doesn't feel right.If this outcome was inevitable than I would wish to turn back time only for the chance that we would still be as close as we were before.

We're still friends but let's not kid around here.Things are different.Somehow.Nothing's been said but I can feel it.I can just feel it.

How I wish we could go back to the day when it was all fine and dandy when us talking to each other meant just two close friends sharing stories.I miss those days.

Honestly,I have no idea how she sees us as friends anymore.I have had no idea for quite some time actually.

Is it overactive imagination on my part or is it true? Is she SLOWLY tearing herself away from me,with inevitable seperation only months away before we both move on and for now just affording the barest of courtesies to me simply because we're still classmates?

It may seem rather extreme to make such exaggerating statments but such has the way things developed between us that I can't make out if the situation is a hostile one or otherwise.

If I were to label it,it would be that I've gone from "a good guy friend I have that I share problems with and he shares with me" to now "oh him? he's just a classmate of mine.that's all."

Is that descriptive enough to describe the way I THINK SHE'S THINKING now?

Does love have to be shamed here?If I had kept it in.Kept my emotions in check.If she had not been able to read the emotions I left plastered on my face,would we still be as close?

Here I am left to lament the state of things as they stand wondering if my best efforts caused the worst effects.I was so afraid of losing her after two years in school but now it looks like I've managed to lose her even before then.

Why has it come to this?

There is a small sense of achievement in the fact that I feel that this has been my most lucid,insighful and well-thought out post in quite a while.

I chased my dreams but I've lost you along the way.

This Wasted Heart Finds Perfection In Imperfection

I don't celebrate Christmas but the festive significance isn't lost on me so to all those concerned...Merry Christmas,yall.

I remember saying that I would always be the romantic fool that believed that messages in romantic movies did exist.

'Love Actually' was playing on the telly.Against my better judgement I watched it.Didn't want to initially because I wasn't feeling the whole 'love' vibe.But I did.I was reminded about how I was when I held on to my ideals.

What this means is that I've realised that regardless of Roswell Girl,I should at the very least hold on to those dreams and beliefs I've had about love and how it should be.Yes,reality will paint a very different picture so while I can,I should just hold on to my dreams.

There was this part in the movie where one guy says to the girl of his dreams one final phrase.

"My wasted heart will always love you.Until you look like this.But,to me,you are perfect"

Those lines just made me believe again.Rebuke me,ridicule me,do as you wish.Indeed,I do not care.

I came across a photo of Roswell Girl and the caption said 'thinking of you'.That must be reserved for her special guy.

Lucky bugger.But I actually had a smile across my face.She was in love,albeit with somebody else.

Her profile also says that she may not be the most beautiful,prettiest or the hottest...and so on.Her words.

Ach,amor.If only you could see yourself through my eyes.

It must be the sentimentality of the night that I've been cocooned in.It will start hurting again tomorrow.

But for now...

I do love you Roswell Girl and with that I say go ahead and love him,love the one that loves you so.Love him like I wish you would me.Love him like you never would me.

I believe again for now.I lost belief in it a week ago.Reality will probably wear this down very soon I trust.I better enjoy this joy as much as I can.

Unwavering In Your Supposed Nonchalance

Saw a couple of sweaters at Topman,reasonably priced.Hope I can get them soon enough.

I must keep my promise to myself to study during this holidays. I do have CAs on the 2nd week of the last term of school.

By rough estimation,I have about 8 weeks of school to go through before the end.

8 weeks with Roswell Girl left before she goes out of my life completely.That's an anti-climax isn't it? All this while,before this,I've always said that my biggest fear was to lose her as a friend.I don't think she'll ignore me completely but maybe she'll just see me as a circumstansial acquaintance.One that was brought to her by chance of allocation.I just happened to be her classmate.

So when I see her again,how will it be? She may or may not talk to me normally.I don't know.As much as I want things a certain way,I can't force them.

I was just contemplating facing her again soon.And I remembered the promises that I made myself keep and I plan to keep them.

So despite the hurt and despite the fact that she doesn't need me anymore,not that she always needed me anyway,I plan to keep my promise and be a friend to her.Sounds like a damn tired cliche but that's what it is.

That means talking and acting normally around her.But of utmost preference in this arrangement is that I be sincere or else I might not as well try.

Smile when she smiles,laugh as she laughs,mourn when she hurts.Lend a helping hand.Only when she needs it though.For this time I know she has someone else she can count on.

She may not even fecking care about my promises.But I care about them.If not for her,then at least for myself.She may not hate me,or she may.Or she may be neutral,like,whatever,but I shall carry on.

But I'll be damned if I let the way things turned out affect my pledge to always be there.Even as an acquaintance.

Even In My Dreams; I'm Not

Just woke up.I just had 2 Roswell Girl-related dreams.Damn.I can't believe she's in my dreams.

The first was me going all the way to her town,looking for her house.But when I found it I got scared and backed away.

The 2nd was with her dad.He was using the computer and I was sitting next to him.I remember thinking about questions to ask him regarding his daughter.

Damn Khai,forget her.She's forgotten you.Or rather,she's focused on somebody else.So why should she remember you? It would be the same thing you would do if you dound somebody new.That is to focus more on her than usual.

Anyways,I'm trying to brush off these dreams that I've had.I don't need her in my dreams.I would usually welcome it but not now.

I love you Roswell Girl but I have to get away from you.For my own good.

Torment Of The Pleasures

I haven't blogged in a while.Been a bit lazy to to be honest.

I just got a call that I'll be performing in a public show sometime next month.Protagonist too.Go out with a bang I guess.

About the whole Roswell Girl thing,I was coping well the first few days but I'm starting to feel it more.It's okay during the usual hours but it gets hard right before I go to sleep.

That's when flashbacks and moments of my time with her run through my mind for quite a while.

So much joy has emanated from them.But things never did go far enough for something substansial to occur.

I force myself to forget about her but there are times when my resolve slips and I find myself dwelling about her.

You know what the funny thing is? She probably isn't aware that I'm feeling all this.She probabaly thinks that all is fine and dandy between us.Maybe she doesn't even care.

And why should she? She's found a new love which takes precedence over a passing friend like me.

I wish it wasn't like this.I wish that I didn't have to forget her cos I really don't want to.But I have to for my own good.

I'm going to be out of my mind otherwise.

Everything Goes Cold

Didn't think I'd post again today but here I am.

All has been solved.I know why Roswell Girl has shied away from me.

She's found a new love.It seems that way.The one that I said that would make her smile again,find her laugh again and catch her tears.I've seen a thumbnail photo of him online and now I know the face of the one blessed by God.

I admit,I was initially confused and angry.With myself.And with God,even though you're not really supposed to be.Note,that I never was angry at her.

I shall heed the unspoken request and back off.Not an easy thing.It was hurting.But for the moment at least,I'm okay.

I always said that I wanted to see her smile.Hope that she would find what she was looking for.That I would be happy for her.

I'll like to keep my word here.So go ahead,Roswell Girl.Go to him and find yourself again.

Every word I said about her,I stand by it.Her cute smile,her big eyes,her even bigger heart.

I've been sure about the fact I'm infatuated with her.But was it ever 'love'? I never thought so till Aini told me about the possibility of loving someone and have it not returned.

Was it ever love? I don't know and I don't dare to speculate.Perhaps,those close to me would be better off making their own judgements based on what they make of my thoughts and actions around her.

It seems that this blog has become a public parade of the trials and tribulations,particularly with Roswell Girl.Heck,even my teacher knows I like her.

This has been a source of entertainment for you guys perhaps.To deride me for my foolishness and being so naive.Or to learn from my mistakes.Or to follow my journey as a friend.I don't know why I've written it all out here.Must be my creative side finding an outlet to express and to be heard.But I have made it public for all to see and judgements are inevitable.It doesn't matter.

I don't need everyone to sympathise with me.Cos it isn't neccessary.Not many are well-placed to give comments or be forced to say something.

I wonder what Aini and Wahida will make of this.Cos they are perhaps best placed to gather a prespective on this.Oh and Elyra as well,she's always got something to say this matter.

Well,in the past 36 hours,I've slept for only 3 hours.Don't worry,it wasn't Roswell induced.

I reckon this has been a rather eventful day for me.I even swept the house.Something I rarely do.It'll be best for me to get some shuteye soon.

I have to thank God for letting me find the patience to deal with such crushing news.I don't know how it will be over the next few weeks.Probably all up and down and all over the place.But this time,I have lots of work to focus on.

I've always thought that work would distract me and they will.I just wonder if I go too much into it.

One of my faults has always been that I'm an idealist.Gullibly,I believe the poignant moments in sappy movies like A Walk To Remember and Love Actually.

I've always been a bit of a dreamer as close friends would know but I have to be realistic or I'll end up hurt and stupid.

I still am that idealist but a part of me doesn't believe in love anymore.

The next best thing to do is to take advantage of life's other opportunities and make progress in my studies and in future,work.I would have to have faith that love would come the way of the this idealist.It's all a matter of faith.

Honestly at this point of time,I'm sorry but I'm a little low on the belief issue now,especially after this.

Neither Here Nor There But Ideally Everywhere

The first day of the term break is here and I sure hope that the next three weeks will be a productive one in one way or another.

I went for the 2nd German class yesterday and it is getting a little bit familiar.Good then.

Before that,in school,the CCA Excos facilititated an interview session for junior members who have been identified as the potential batch as Excos.There are a few people who look like they can do they job.One or two standing out for me.

I wish I could get on with finding a part-time job for some pocket money this term break.

Also I would like a few days of rest and have a little bit of fun as well.

Ha! I got my first warning letter for 2 modules.Human Resource Administration and PE.It's okay,I've realised since last week that I do need to do better in terms of attendance for these 2 modules.Hopefully the next and last term will be more positive from me in terms of attendance.

Nothing much to do during the hols.I mean nothing concrete really planned its all hanging in the air.In a perfect world I would be hanging out with Roswell Girl.But I'm not.

Lets see what these next three weeks throw up.

Smiling; Thinking You're Dry In The Rain

A couple of things have happened since I last posted.

On Monday,the CCA members presented our two CCA teachers with tokens of recognition for all their hard work this busy year.We did it on the down low,roping in the teachers' bosses and their boss as well.All of them are rather supportive of our CCA to an extent.Besides,the official look added to the veil of secrecy we put up for our CCA teachers who did not suspect a dang thing.Not one iota.

Now that the Exco and most members already have or will be graduating,I guess that was another sign that this batch was winding down and the year was over.Almost.We still have a few things to take care of.

On Wednesday I got my new phone.a Sony Ericsson W850.It's perhaps not as capable of emanating the same decibels of sound as my old one but it'll do.It's 2.0 MPX camera is an improvement from that of the previous phone.Quite happy to have a Walkman phone again.

Tomorrow is the last day of the term.Looking forward to the break despite the fact that there will be work to do during the break.Just waiting for the few days of doing nothing and just lazing around.Just a few days during the hols.

I don't know about Roswell Girl.She doesn't seem to want to interact as much as she did before.Even when she does it sounds forced.Certainly not enthusiastic.Could be a number of reasons why she's doing this.

1) She's missing her boy..bad.She's doesn't feel herself cos its really affected her.Possibly she's even back with him.I don't know.

2) She's got her clique of girlfriends that she's close to and doesn't really feel like talking to a guy like me anymore,definitely if it's not necessary.Like she doesn't really need me except the odd favour here and there.

3) She can't look at me the same way ever since she knew officially from me that I liked her.It has been a slow degeneration,pulling away very subtly so I wouldn't notice.

4) She may want to pull away from me 'for my own good'.She's thinking if she does that,I may not be interested in her anymore and pull away.

These are just a couple of theories that I've come up with to try and convince myself,to find reasons for the oddities and inevitabilities of life.

I think that it's Reason 2 & 3 mainly but then again I think all 4 reasons feature somehow.

I just backspaced on some opinions I have about this.I realised it would be wrong for me to make judgements and assumptions.She has her reasons.It's hard for me to understand but I have to deal with it.I don't know what's going on right now.

It would be so easy to get up and do Reason 4.But I do have this thought.Would that mean that all my words in these months would mean nothing,taking such a short time disintergrate?

I promised myself that I would be a true friend to her.I proclaimed her to be so much more than MJ.Did you really think that I was going to cast her out of my mind just like that?

But having said that,it's not clinging on in an obsessive manner.Rather,it is with reluctant acceptance that I carry on.A part of me thinks that this is all to be expected in my life and I shouldn't really be surprised.

I've always said that this wasn't love.That it was infatuation.But Aini countered with the theory that you could love someone who doesn't love you back.Ah,i realised that this could be what they called unrequited love.

Dreamers would call me loyal.However they are a rare breed and most people in the world would call me a fool.

Then let it be,if it must.

Still,regardless of the reason,I'll be a man and admit that it hurts that a girl like her could pull away.

I stick by what I said about having never met a girl like her.All the superlatives and praises I lauded her with still stand.I certainly believe that my words aren't that cheap.I said them about her cos I believe it to be my true opinion of her.

The difference with this and MJ is that I'm not sinking in a hole.I'm moving on with other aspects of my life cos I've got things to do,places to go and people to see.

Hurts? Yes. Got me down and out? Heck no.

In case you still don't get it,I don't hate her and I never will.Perhaps she is sick of me and thinks of me in a negative manner.Maybe she despises me in secret.I don't know.

Let her think the way she wants to.I live my life the way I want to,as much as life allows me to.

Smile

I don't usually do this but I guess this time's an exception.

It's nowhere near good.It's just something that I have.

--- SMILE ---

Verse 1:

Hey you I know

It hurts a lil' bit more sometimes

Just like the rain

Looks like it won't stop sometimes

But won't you

Give me a chance

To find a way

To make the sun come to make you smile again

So come on and...

Chorus:

Smile

All I want is to hear you laughing

Smile

C'mon girl no more crying

Would it be enough if I gave

My

All and my everything

To get your smile back again

So come on and smile

So come on and smile

Verse 2:

My love for you

I'd give but you never seemed to care

Promises to you

I'll keep at the end I'll be there

I would do everything

Just to have you...

Chorus:

Bridge:

It may not be with me

Though I want you to be with me

Just go ahead and...

Smile,smile,smile...

So come on and smile

So come on and...

Smile

------

That's all for today,I know...you guys think it's nothing too special but that's just the way I choose to express myself with scant regard to quality.It's not my perogative here.

I hope you find what you're looking for now.If you need help,tell me.

Guys don't get me wrong.I'm not depressed or anything.I am down about the situation but my demeanor's pretty okay cos I got things pretty good right now.This is just another interesting way to express myself.

Just A While

Going to relatives' for the weekend for prayers.But please,contact me through my handphone if you desire,It will be dead boring there.

May get a new phone.But more not than likely.I can't confirm.

Be back on Sunday night to make a real update,

Realised that I may miss the Manchester derby game.

Bummer.

Me.Out.

Traversing Choppy Waters

So a few select people now know about the bizzarely vague occurences on Monday.

Roswell Girl still does not know.But Farah 'Elyra' supposed that a part of me did want Roswell Girl to find out but not from me,for that would seem egotistical of me.

Yeah,preferably I would but reality does not permit blowing bubbles of fantasy.

If I did want it revealed,what would it achieve? She's already down about her boy.Last thing she needs is hidden agendas from someone she considers her friend.Before doing what I did on Monday I made it clear to myself that I should not expect things to change with her.

On Tuesday I came to school early.I had signed up for and I was going to donate blood! It was my first time and I did get nervous for just a second but then banished all negative thoughts and it was pretty much smooth sailing all the way,from start to finish.Was kinda cool to see my blood being sucked out into the bag.

This Marketing project is turning into a right pain in the ass.Thank God my fellow members are functioning well enough to carry the burden.Have I been pushed into a leadership position? At times it seems so and to that,I just feel that if that's what I have to do to get that A grade then I'm gonna deal with it.But like I said,my members are great that they realising that if we don't wanna embarrass ourselves,we will have to work really hard.Things haven't been easy but I hope they will fall into place perfectly at the end of the project process.

German class starts tomorrow.Mixed sense of anticipation and apprehension.

All this activity in and out of school have caused me to miss the last few CCA meetings and I feel rather sore about that.I already personally feel that I don't contribute as much as the others or as much as I would like to,I wouldn't want others in the Exco to think that my commitment levels have waned.

Section Head that our graduating class of 2007 was going to have a Dinner & Dance grad night! Way cool.Always wanted that.Never had the chance to,coming from an all-boys school previously so the feeling wasn't there.

Costs $55 bucks but I'll pay.No outsiders allowed.

And I don't know how and why but I have had the inclination to ask Roswell Girl to go with me.I know,she'll be going to the event but I have this image in my head of me going to that event with her.Hope you get what I mean.Like she would be my date,even though she really isn't cos we're all gonna be there as classmates.

All I can do is dream.

She's been feeling down about her boy and I was trying to talk to her and I remember quoting her this.

Everybody tries to put some love on the line.But everybody feels a broken heart sometimes.

It's from Teddy Geiger's These Walls so I feel like I was kinda cheating.

Has a double meaning.I was telling it to her,trying to make her feel better about problems with her boy but ironically,I could very well use them on me,referring to my own situation with her.

Told her to be brave and be strong in the face of God's test.

Like I made me promise myself.I'll walk by her side even if she doesn't need me now.

Strength,my friend.Sweet and dear to my heart,however unrequited.

Gladly, I Would And I Have

Today,in my own little way,I had the chance to step up and do what I always said I would like to do.

I'm afraid I can't reveal what exactly I did.I have but only to a select few.To make it public would be a different matter altogether.

Roswell Girl needed my help.Nothing grevious but certainly a pressing matter for her.I went on to help her in the way that I could.Just like I always said I would,if ever she needed my help.

I asked myself whether I expected a reward of any sort.I realised that her smile was enough.

'As long she's happy,I'm happy'

I've said something along those lines before.And her smile is enough.It was nice to see it.

I also happy that I've had the opportunity to carry out the intent of helping her instead of just talking about it.

Nothing I can do about the situation with her and her boy.

No disrespect to him and it's not that I don't care but I am only considering the fact that she loves him.Only looking from her point of view.

If she cares so much for him then there must be something about him.

Lucky geezer.

What I did today was a drop of water in the ocean.It would be foolish for me to get my hopes up.For there is nothing to hope for.

All I can do is be there for her when she needs me.

That could be in whatever shape or form.

Like today.

Hah.What an irritatingly vague entry.

But Roswell Girl can't know what exactly I did in order to help her.All she needs to know is that I helped her today and that she can count on me to do so again if she needs my help in the future.

A Promise To Be Kept

Weekend's rolled around but I'm on meds cos I've got the flu.

Bugger.

The CA for AOA was this yesterday.I hope I did decently.Not top stuff maybe but hopefully good stuff still.

Ha.After that,I went down to VivoCity to get my jacket.Not revealing the price but it was from Topman and it was the one that I wanted from the Orchard branch but was gone.Had dinner at Fig & Olive.$76 bucks for three people.But the food was nice.I liked my chocolate milkshake.It wasn't just the creamy stuff like you get an McDonalds but a proper chocolate milkshake with a little bit of ice cream in it as well.Had dessert at Ben & Jerry's.

Wanted to watch a movie but didn't cos it would have taken up too much of our time.

It was quite fun going out with Aini and Wahida.Hope to do it again.

I was sick when I was doing the CA.Nose pipes were leaky and all.Never pleasant.I was as okay as I could be during the Vivo trip but I guess I'm properly ill now.Still not to bed.Took pills,slept,woke up and pills and slept again before going to the doctor.Just took pills again.3 times a day right? So I'm getting plenty of rest.

Roswell Girl's going thru some shit but I really believe that at the end of it,she's gonna find happiness with the one that she yearns for.That guy has no idea how lucky he is.

So that leaves me,stranded and in wonderment.

It did hurt and it still does but I made a promise to her that I would always be around.That I would always be there with a smile for her.I don't like to go back on promises like this.Am I moving on? No not really...cos I'm always around,like I said I plan to be.

She doesn't really need me now I guess.She's got him,even if they are having some problems.But I'm not walking away like I did with MJ.I refuse to make the same mistake.Why? Cos she's worth it like I always said.

At the same time,while I am down about this,I fully realise that I've got it good in many other parts of my life.So I'm carrying on,business as usual,no hiding or anything.