Temporary Highs

I'm rather downcast and doubtful right now.

Not really sad or unhappy outright.

More like disappointed.

United lost to Chelsea, putting their hold on the title in considerable doubt.

I'm displeased with myself for missing chances to do fun, creative things while others are able to do so and have a ball of a time.

Like missing the GSE concert at the Esplanade. I look set to miss out on the We Will Rock You musical as well. It's ending it's run this Sunday night.

I'm sure there were others that I missed out as well.

In place of that, is nothing but well, 'nothing'. Just mundane days, doing things I have to do, totally missing out on what I want to do.

I believe there has be to be a fair balance. Or at least 75% 'have' and 25% 'want'.

There are others out there who take advantage of the rights that come along with being youth and have absorb as much fun as they can out of life.

There are also others that choose to sit and let life pass them by but I'm not going to talk about them.

I know that my life can be more than what it is now. More fun, more fulfilling, more varied.

But, I know that life as a young adult today is by no means a cakewalk. Life's tough enough as it is, the least I/we should be able to do is do the things we want to do to alleviate the stress/boredom of life.

But I don't feel like I'm doing that.

So while others do and grow from strength to strength, (cos the fun they have gives them energy to deal with life) I'm stuck in monotony which I very much dislike.

I know the things that I can do to change that. But I'm having trouble putting it all together.

To put it in layman's terms,

I want my life to be more happening, can?

Empty Without What Was There Before

I'm wondering how it is that I'm hearing Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" playing ubiquitously, all over the airwaves and MTV.

I could have sworn I heard it way, way back. Like at least a year ago. At least, probably more.And I didn't just hear it, it was one of my favorites back then.

Pretty late release if it was from the latest album.

French today was c'est magnifique. It was fun. I had to go today cos I would miss tomorrow's lecture due to the CCA Roadshow.

To be honest, I feel like I've had to put on more of a facade than usual, hiding the real me from the world. There's an empty feeling that I have and I've fought like hell to get it back to the way it was. There is a certain cause but it can't be revealed her.

No worries, it's not the kind that will make me hide in a dark corner of the house, sobbing non-stop and slashing my wrists.

I've got far better things to do than that.

But it does feel sucky. Too many unanswered questions. A hard fight to hold on to feelings that don't benefit me. Yet I deem it necessary...

I've been popping Tic-tacs like they're going out of style. Much like Michael Cera's character in Juno.

2nd day of class was a right bore.

Save for French, Managing Business Systems (MBS) and Basic Entrepreneurship (Ent) were 3 hours of nothing.

I predict that MBS is going to be a drag. But somehow I've got to try and do the best I can.

As for Ent, hopefully I can recycle stuff from past projects.

The new class has been all, with nice enough people. The guys in the class are quite easygoing, that helps; if the guys in the class are all right. Talked to a couple of the girls too, they seem cool as well.

With a lot of the class in or stretching till the afternoon, I totally can't think about a day where I finish early and have lots of the day to go.

And goddamnit, I keep forgetting to cash in my EAGLES Award cheque. The faster I do that, the faster I can go get a new phone.

My head says I should get the Sony Ericsson W890i (familiarity, ease of use, better camera, more space) but the devil is tempting me to buy the Samsung i450 (unique design, touch wheel feature, BANG & OLUFSEN speakers!)

"So here I am, with my thoughts of you and this world I've left for me"

"Leave The Memories Alone" by Fuel

Lean On Me

Pretty low-key day today.

Did take a grateful car ride down to a mall in town. Just to check out new phones and new pair of sneaks.

All part of 'back-to-school' necessities.

And I need a new phone. A new music phone. Otherwise, if you're not careful, you might find me passed out from boredom in the bus one day on the way back from school.

A new pair of sneaks is a need and not just a want this time round.

Just one class tomorrow, which ends at 2.

I'm not going to waste time trying to speculate how my new classmates are going to be like, I'm just going to wait it out and see how tomorrow unfolds.

I have to be back at 6 for Dramatec but in between, I thought of heading to town to look for fancy-schmansy school supplies. Like notebooks and other similar stuff.

Maybe this will delude me into thinking that going back to face the droning monotony of school is a good thing.

Kinda like tricking a stubborn child to get him to bathe by giving him lollies and sweets.

Maybe I'll see more sneaks and a couple of 'back-to-school' threads that I could plan to buy some other time.

Hopefully my mate is well enough to tag along and we do with a bit of Starbuckin'.

Doing Starbucks in town is nice. We get to chill and people-watch.

I think I may be due to write a good ol' letter soon. The pen and paper kind. Why? Just cos I want to. It's not really to be given to anyone...yet.

And no, it's not a suicide note.

Maybe I'll write it with on my new fancy writing pad. Righhht...

There are at least 3 people who I know that are feeling solitary/discouraged/down.

I've been neglecting one and I can't even reach the other two (but I do know they feel down)

Times like these, I really wish I could be there for them.

I want to be.

But circumstances prevent me from doing so. If there were ways around them, I would have taken that road already.

I don't really believe in horoscopes but I can' help but marvel at their relevance at times. Especially after realizing what I realized and typed above about the occasional fragility of those that I know.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)

The Bottom Line

Trying out new social circles is fine -- just don't lose sight of old friendships.

In Detail

Skipping around from new social circle to new social circle is fun. It's also necessary -- after all, it's good to explore new activities and interesting new hot spots. But just make sure you don't lose sight of your tried and true friendships in the process. After all, you don't want to seem like you're being faithless, or too eager to replace old friendships with new ones. Being acquisitive about material goods is one thing; being acquisitive when it comes to friends is quite another.

No need to tell me, I already know.

Since I already know, I'm gonna try my best to be there when I'm needed.

Even for some others, who don't really need me around, I'm gonna stick around just in case they ever do.

A Simple Intent

Not really happy with my new timetable.

I mean, it's all right, could be better but the problem is that the scheduling isn't very flexible so I can't move around my lectures to make it suit my preferences.

I'll just take it week by week. As ridiculous as it sounds, I've got to approach the next 6 months strategically and tactically.

Wait, that does sound like a load of rubbish.

What I'm trying to say is that I shouldn't let outside factors and unnecessary, impractical emotions get in the way of doing what I need to do in school this semester.This has been a bane of my first year in TP.

Hopefully I'm a year wiser and wise enough to remain unflinching when the going gets tough in school, like we all know it can.

I've been busy with lots and lots of drama lately but I'll give the latest on that some other time.

Dad drove by with the family in the car and had good eats at the KTM train station.

I came to a very simple but poignant realization (often ignored and overlooked for people's need to always assume the worst) while in the car.

This may be hard to believe, but the reason why I did some of the favours for you, wasn't because I wanted to deceive you and just get on your good side. I sincerely believe in this honest opinion that I did them because I just wanted to make you happy. The very thought that you could be happy because of something I did for you is a pleasurable idea.

I tire of the games that the birds and the bees have to play. Sometimes, it would be nice to see things just as they simply are. Not tainted by motives and uncomplicated by fear.

Just pure, unadulterated, no preservatives added, feelings.

I've always thought I was too much of a dreamer for my own good but it is in that trait tonight that I say that I'll turn in earlier tonight instead of staying up late like I usually do.

Maybe my dreams will provide escapes and possibilities that don't exist in my reality.

The Skeptic Genes Come Out To Play

Where does self-belief stop and self-delusion begin?

At which point does your confidence start to ebb away and you start questioning for doing what you do.

"Is it worth doing all this? Is it worth fighting the improbable?"

Sometimes, it seems like all I'm doing is struggling in futility in an attempt to reach the top. But in reality, all I'm doing is falling further down the ladder and/or confirming that I fit snugly into my lowly position that I am at now.

It happens with every failure or 'near-but-not-quite-enough' success.

There are times when I feel like I'm meant for something bigger but the realist in me might try to dissuade me from reaching too far, fearing that the fall far down might be too much for me to take.

This 2nd side supplements its argument by saying that all my dreams and ambitions are just fantasies that are the product of an imaginative mind.

Maybe some are. But I know that deep down inside that some aren't. I can actually achieve some of these things.

Yes, the world is tough. It's a hard knock life for everybody.

But when was the last time you detached from reality and paid some attention to your dreams and ambitions? The same dreams and ambitions that you stored away somewhere because there was no space for these things in the real world.

Me, an idealist? Too much of an idealist? Probably.

But I'm a too much of a damn fool to listen to reality.

This reality tries time and again to tell me and show me that I'm inadequate in numerous ways.

Still, I press on, more than often due to idiocy than determination.

Still, there are times, like right now, where I actually realize it and can't help but doubt myself.

As I go doubting, "Can I really do it?"...

Does she doubt me the same way too? Are my various shortcomings entrenched deep in her mind to form a certain picture of me?

"No Drama", Says The Newly-Mellowed Man

I've been putting this one off for ages.

Initially it was gonna be a wordy one, filled with details of what happened during what was undoubtedly the most hectic week of my life since the days that MIC was involved in the national competition 2 years ago. But I'm gonna leave out a fair bit.


Mic Sleepover

Mostly work, mostly during the 1st day.

Unspectacular yet pleasant grad night for the graduating batch.

Did not sleep from Monday through to the wee hours of Wednesday morning, not much help to my still-recovering sinuses and cough. Succumbed to a sleep-inducing cough mixture.

Reached home Wednesday night. Grabbed a few hours of sleep.

Got up just in time to see Man Utd score the solitary goal in the game against Roma. Went back to sleep, got up, packed and left for TP.

TP Arts Leaders Induction Camp

Fun and eye-opening. The throat and cough were running amok.

People from the other arts group are a decent bunch.

Highlights include laser gun wars at night. Dragon-boating, a first for me, finished off the programme of activities.

In between were 4 modules of theory, 2 of which I found very useful.

Especially the first one on stage presence. To receive a thumbs up on stage presence (apparently I have it) is nice.

In fact, I'll openly admit that it boosted my ego. But, by openly admitting it, I think it lessens the chance of me getting carried away with it, right?

Anyway, it's just a small thing. A small thing that I appreciate getting.

By the end of the 5th day of camp (in total) I was sick of drama and drama people, I needed a break.

Even though I only slept in TP this 1st time, it already has something over ITE Bishan.

It has hot water showers. I appreciate not having deal with spasm-like shivers in the morning.

I got home and savoured the fact that I was sleeping in my own bed.

Even then, I couldn't sleep in.

Silly me, I went to slack at a mate's meaning to leave by 2am. I ended up getting on the bus at 615am and slept at 7am. Woke up at 11. Went to a Dramatec meeting at 11 (drama again!) till 3. Even if I had places to go after, there was only one place on my mind.

My bed at home.

To round off the week, I went to Shaw Towers to mooch off Farah for free drinks at Starbucks with a mate. Got home to wait for the United game against Arsenal

Sweated out a nervy game but I managed to go to sleep happy.

A full week. In every way.I said in my last post that I shouldn't look at this last week as a week of under-exertion. Fate ensured that I could do no such thing.

It's not that I dislike drama or drama people. Quite the contrary. I just think that 6 days of drama-related activities is a severe case of overkill.

So that was the round up of that crazy week. Will be back with the usual, thoughts of this week.

Gone Before It Arrived

Oh my God, this time round my week will be almost over before it begins.

With only a week left to performance day, MIC unsurprisingly hogs the schedule. Somewhere in between are two Dramatec rehearsals and a family afternoon out. And probably a day out with the mates to get some new threads and just chill.

The only solace will probably come from the two outings.

MIC Studio is fun but it is also serious work as well. We had to re-do the whole frickin' script and I just finished typing it all out but I was supposed to finish it much earlier. Thank God for the teacher's intervention though. I like this new script better. I'm afraid it's still too long though.

*Crosses fingers in hope*

Well, with a week like this, I certainly can't complain of being under-occupied.

But I guess, like a friend said, it's better to be tired doing things you like to do than be bored stupid and falling asleep, waiting for something to happen in your life.

This will be my umpteenth sleepover in school. Actually 6th. To be honest, it's gotten to the point where it's nothing special anymore. Not like it was before.

Yeah, the school's pretty freaky at night and all and I am thankful that nothing of the sort has happened so far. But I'm getting sorta numb to it all actually. But I do hope nothing untoward will happen. Hopefully the newbies won't be too freaked out or anything.The school used to be pitch dark after a certain time in the past. Nowadays, it's less fun/freaky cos the lights are still on past midnight.

Oh, bringing the big bags of clothes and all the other necessary stuff is such a hassle. I wish I had a car and I'd just store everything inside the boot and just drive over.

I have to have formal wear (for grad nite for the graduating batch) and I'm so lazy to bring it. But it will since it was this batch that all me to have my night a year ago.Reciprocation and all.

I haven't even packed. Chalk one up for procrastination here.

I just can't wait to unwind with the mates.

But I have to be up for this sleepover. As previously mentioned, this might be the last time ever I'd get to do anything like this.

I'll miss it all when it's too late.

Missing things and people and emotions.

So I guess I better treasure it now.

'I'm having the feeling of irony
Bout the way things are
Were they meant to be
All I do can do now
Is look from a distance
And smile as you walk away
In your eyes
I can see
The tears that you hide everyday'

That was Khairul's 'A Random Lyric In A Minute'

Goodbye and hope the sleepover/rehearsals /grad nite for the grad batch goes real swell.

Virtual Scribblings On A Virtual Pad

For some reason, I can't seem to nap. I thought of getting one before getting up for the United game against Roma but as it is, here am I blogging.

Tuesday was a bit of a blessing compared to the day before, in that I didn't have to run all over the place(as mentioned in the previous post)

I'm still feeling sick but I was able to cope better with it today. Having said that, the morning was still hell for me. A wonderful cacophony of sounds, sounds rooted in the phlegm-filled coughs and a mucus trumpet, a beast that I once knew as my nose. Enchanting stuff.

I was under slight pressure as I was, in an silent way, expected to brush up and be ready with the final script by the end of the day.

Honestly, I'll put my hands up now and say that I probably wouldn't have been able to do it had it not been for the help of Sharon, an ex-MIC member, way before MIC was known as MIC. I finally had someone to bounce words and expressions off and had the same done to me. Between us, we completed the script to the best of our ability in a short time span, and did much than I would have had I flown solo.

I was the epitome of gratitude.

I didn't plan to but I fell prey to a whimsical moment and decided to watch the DVD copy of Romeo & Juliet that I purchased recently. Being more alert and receptive, I was pleased to find that I caught many more things naturally as compared to the previous time that I watched the movie. Having the subtitles helped.

If you think about it, it wasn't that clean or straightforward, other than the obvious themes of murder and bitter rivalry, the romance and its elements were flawed as well. Romeo did drugs and Juliet could be interpreted as an innocent girl who fell prey and barely put up a fight against youthful curiosity.

But of course, that all fair game. It doesn't matter when the overriding factor is love, does it?

Line reading for MIC tomorrow. Casting was revealed today. Some would not be happy but that is to be expected. What I(and of course the other old-time coots like me)will be looking at is how professional they are despite whatever. To those who say this isn't the professional world and there is no need to reciprocate, I say how they act reflects on the kind of person they are, no matter the context or environment.

Damn, the match starts in less than half an hour, so much for my frickin nap.

I thought this post would be laced with some introspective, inner thoughts but perhaps it is too late in the night for matters so heavy. Or maybe I've just gotten slightly lazy all of a sudden.

So, I guess, it's a pretty meaningless post.

~ A thousand times goodnight. A thousand times the worse, to want thy light ~