Teetering On The Cliff's Edge

Out of the convoluted mind of Roger Milliard the writer, Derek the Director reenters the real world as Khairul, the 21 year old student, the ordinary extraordinaire.

Back he goes to school to face a trial project presentation that he totally forgot about. Thank God, it wasn't a graded one.

It's a slight comfort to have a break from drama this past Friday. I'm sure things will soon pick up after a bit, seeing as to how the next event we are gonna have is on the 9th of Jan '09, the TP Open House.

Being very near the mid-point of this semester, it sorta jolted me. Pretty soon, I'm gonna be a 3rd year student.

It kinda snuck up on me. It didn't feel too far back where I was lamenting the unfortunate nature of being a freshie.

Now, I'm already gonna be facing mid-sems on the 12th of December.

Supposed to watch a play tomorrow, hope it's decent. I am paying a fair bit for it.

Looks like I'll have to shelve plans to get the latest edition of Football Manager release till next month. I saw it just now and was very tempted to get it. Very. But I managed to hold out.

---

I've seen some interesting things over the past few weeks. Politeness has given way to indifference and even resentment, as true colors are shown and seen. Some of the negativity may be justified, but most of it isn't.

I think it's a matter of tolerance and also understanding that everyone is different and there is no reason to be hatin' on someone just cause they don't agree with you.

Personally, I'm not really affected cos I stay out of it. I do so by not bothering really. Life's complicated enough without trying to turn it into a soap opera.

For the record, I don't claim to be immune to being human, to disagreeing and disliking things. But I'm just stating the fact that I've seen/known about some interesting things that have unfolded in my environment.

---

I'm not expecting any joy to come out of this thing I'm thinking of doing. I wish I could be more positive but it looks bleak.

But, I owe it to myself to at least give it a shot. If I have to take a bullet and bite the dust, I want to at least know my intentions were good and sincere. Honest-to-God, no hidden motives.

Curtain Call

The tiredness is beginning to set in.

All the previous weeks were laced with exhaustion and exasperation, but I suppose I was running on adrenaline today.

Just one run through today before the actual show, so it wasn't that bad. I wasn't feeling anything till just before the 1st Act.

I almost felt like puking all the phlegm I had inside. This happened even though I made it a point not to eat dinner before I went on, for fear that the phlegm would flare up. But when the time came, I felt that I did my best and it went off without a hitch.

And now I feel free. No, liberated would be a more fitting word.

Not that it wasn't worth it. It was...but I'm sure that everyone involved is happy that it's over.

At the end of the day, I felt I had fun playing Derek the Director, a pompous, self-serving bastard.

Thank you to everyone for sticking through the difficult times and thank you to the director, Paul Falzon for his help. And Catherine, our advisor, for constantly pushing us.

It's nice to say that I was a part of Dramatec's main production.

Thank you to Mdm Salinah and Mr Nezam for bothering to come down, even though you guys were at TP just the day before to watch dear Eza's show (in which she killed it I'm sure). Thank you for the positive feedback. I feared you wouldn't like the story but you enjoyed it, so that was nice. I appreaciated the part you guys talk about my evolution as a performer. It made me feel that it was all worthwhile.

And Kevin. Thanks for coming down too. You usually wouldn't bother putting in this kind of effort but you did and you came I'm glad you enjoyed the show. Cheers to you, mate.

I don't know what's gonna happen in the future with Dramatec, whether we sold enough tickets to satisfy management's expectations. But I daresay, show-wise, we did great.

To those of you who didn't come, looking back, I think you guys missed out on a good show.

To those who sent me well-wishes. Thank you, they're much appreciated.

There was someone whose presence would have made the night even more worthwhile but unfortunately that person couldn't be there because of work. I would have been more nervous knowing that that person was there watching me but I would have been even more thrilled to see that person's reaction after the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you and good night.

Weather The Storm In This Faulty Ride

Things have been a little crazy lately, so much so that they've threatened to crash into each other, triggering chaos and pandemonium in my life.

Lest you think I be from the nation of the self-absorbed, I shall now clearly state for the record, that the above situation can tell the stories of so many other students right now.

TP Arts Fest isn't just round the corner, we're so close to it, we can see its unbiased shadow protrude from the the other side of the corner, behind which lies a happening that could be the vindication of hard work for an arts group or conversely, spell unimaginable disaster.

In fact, I think the orchestral band has already cleared this humongous hurdle, with their performance on Friday For the rest of us, we are all on overdrive. We're getting things together, correcting, correcting, correcting and then polishing all our acts and pieces ready to be showcased to the public.

In terms of academics, this term has been mostly decent but filled with deadlines galore.

With many modules operating under the Problem (Project) Based Learning system, I can liken it to jumping through hoops. We try to keep an eye on the bigger picture, but I mostly find myself scrambling from one deadline to the next, all for different projects.

I've got a presentation part to finish, an article to write (and wow, I've sure got a heck of an idea for that one!) and script to finalize, tickets to distribute and collect payment for. Obviously a less pressing issue, I've also got a soccer match to go to. Save for the article, I've got to do all that by this Sunday.

I'm quite nervous about this coming Saturday. I don't really want to talk about it, not till I've collected my thoughts on the issue. I will be performing. It's a smaller role but I like it that way, it gives me more manueverability, I can really play with the character. I have no need to take the main spotlight, not in my junior year. Then again, I've always been more comfortable in production than on stage, so that says it all.

It's been crazy no doubt but through it all, there's been a single saving grace that's kept me going. It helps that it's been near and very accessible. Thank God for that.I mean it. For all the times, you feel that you're not good enough, no matter how hard you try...you feel that your efforts are insignificant and you pale in comparison to others...know that you'll always shine in my eyes and that you mean something to me, in fact, more than you'll ever know.

And that, be the truth. Even if you think that words do nothing but deceive, I must politely protest words are my forte. In fact, they're all I've got for fate saw it fitting that I not be blessed with looks, charm or wit. Nonetheless, I sincerely do hope my actions speak far louder than any complex word I could say here.

Not the time perhaps, and I understand. First and foremost, I am your friend and what kind of friend would I be if I not empathize with your situation and feelings? A pretty shite one probably.

Stay, smile and be merry. I shall not cause thee trouble, for thou has enough troubles already.

You're The Light On This Wild, Uncharted Road

I've left this space to gather dust, I suppose. This one's gonna be the longest one since ages. Even then, I was lazy. I started on this post a couple of days ago, and then again today in the day. The time, as I add it in just before I publish is 3.35 AM on a Sunday morning. Procrastination? Oh, very much so.

Well, it's not been THAT long but quite a bit occurred since the last post. Not sure I'll blog about all though. I'll just see what I can get to.

The day after the last post, I headed off to an ITE classmate's birthday celebration. It was a mini-reunion of sorts, since some of us came down. It wasn't long before we got down to our usual shenanigans. It felt nice, it felt like old times.

The Ex-ISF-ers that came.

I think this picture encapsulates the fun that we had.

=)

When the next weekend came around, it was a trip back to the clubs, O Bar to be exact. The new crowd was fun and nice conversations. It'll be nice to meet them again soon. Always nice to have options for the weekend.

On the following Tuesday, I finally got my hands on this...

For those of you who don't know, that's one of the hottest rappers today, T.I. and that's the cover of his latest album Paper Trail.

After two fruitless attempts scouring the island, I finally got it. I expected to get it on 30/9/08, the release date but that applied for the U.S only, apparently. Well better late than never.

I couldn't help but get something else to go along with that one.

Again, for those of you who don't know. This is the cover of Lil' Wayne's album cover and no, he's not that little. That's his baby picture and those tats were superimposed on the baby picture. He's also one of the hottest in the rap game, though his fans do overhype him at times. This album currently holds the record for being the best selling record of 2008.

1,005,545 unit sold in its first week!

I wanted to get another CD but managed to restrain myself. More on that later.

On the night of the 16th something calamitous almost happened, though not to me. Thankfully, all parties involved ended up just fine.

At the beginning of the year, I would have said that my 21st birthday would be something big but as the year passed, I began to have my doubts.It reached the point where I was more than happy to let the day pass without incident.

And it turned out just like that. Not counting a movie and dinner with the mates. But we would have done that on any other weekend anyway.

They did get me a little something and I liked what they got me.

It's obviously a soccer jersey. The interesting thing about the jersey is at the back of it. But I can't show it here because it will cause controversy if I did. So, I won't. Cheeky buggers, those mates of mine. Genius almost, certainly cheeky.

Another surprise when I reached home...

Yes, yes. Those are the letters found on the inside of my new wallet. I have to thank Mom & Sis for this one. Although I did go to the store to exchange it for the one they originally gave me, cos I was looking for a different style of wallet. Without buying their one first, I would have had to shell out quite a bit for this one. So thanks must be accorded.

Not the greatest birthday but I'm quite appreciative that it wasn't the worst either. =)

Soon after that, school opened, on the 20th.

// P A R T D E U X (T W O)

Well, school opened on the 20th but I didn't start till the 21st cos I had no lessons on the first day.

The schedule isn't too. It could have been worse.

At lunch, with the new classmates, I got another surprise when I got a gift-wrapped package, and inside was...

A Birthday card with sincere well-wishes on the inside.

and...



The CD that I wanted to buy the other time but didn't. RnB soul-man Robin Thicke's latest album, Something Else. His songs may not be catchy, radio-friendly hits but I don't care. He's got a nice voice, his songs fit the mood for those lazy, quiet nights where one just wants to chill.

Thank you very much, dear friend. A gift is definitely sweeter when not expected. It's nice of you to go through all that trouble.

The new classmates have been quite fine. The modules are all PBL-based and that sucks. Interestingly, I'm the only Man Utd fan in the class, Quite surprising, honestly. You would have thought that there'd be at least one more.

As you see, life's been very interesting and varied for me. I even ended up watching High School Musical 3: Senior Year. When the 1st instalment came out, I never thought I'd end up watching the 3rd one at the cinema. And I wanted to, it wasn't as if there was nothing else to watch. It was a very enjoyable movie but you have to allow yourself to enjoy it and throw your snobbish inclinations away when you watch it. It's good, campy and fun. An enjoyable treat.

But with the ups also comes the downs.

The pressure to do well this semester is overwhelming. Having 5 modules that are all HEAVILY based on projects, does not help. Individual endeavor, which would usually suffice has to give more space to interpersonal communication, such is the nature of group projects.

Drama's on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays. The showdate of 22nd November is running up to meet us and we're not sure how ready we are.

I've been looking at myself and frankly, I'm not liking where I am.

I know I can do better but I'm not doing the things that will get me the results that I want.

A year and a half of...incompetence, to put it quite bluntly at the polytechnic level has allowed self-doubt to creep back in.

I know what I want. I know where I want to be. Now, I have to figure out how to get there.

You could say, I'm lost. I gotta find that road but I don't know where it is.

Sigh.

Admittedly, I've been on the edge lately. I try not to let it show but it's hard. I've been moody and a little snappy. I may even have stepped on a few toes. Especially in school. I'm sorry if I did do that. It's just not been a good time for me. Still, that's no excuse. I didn't have an outburst or anything, just that I feel like I've been ruder than usual. Maybe I haven't been, but I sure feel like I have.

Personally, I feel I could be better as well. I wish I was. I wish I knew the right things to do, the right things to say.

To sum this last part up, I'm falling to pieces, but I know what I want and where I want to be so, I use the things and people I love to give me strength to cast aside doubts and distractions to try and do well this time round.

We can swing, we can swing back to happy. And we'll make it.

Life's just funny like that, isn't it?