Pain Or.....Pain?

Waiting for a mate to finish class so we can go have lunch.

I wasn't planning to do a post but I think it's the only way I can release my pent-up confusion.

Given my affinity with words, I suppose it's somehow right that writing, albeit in an electronic form, gives me some sort of therapy. Otherwise, whatever I have will just eat me up on the inside.

Like I said, I'm confused, conflicted, afraid. This is also in relation to the previous post where I said I had much to say but wouldn't given the late hour at that time.

I don't really know how to organize my thoughts so that they would be typed out in a way that makes sense but I'll try.

I don't know if I should keep silent or voice out. If I keep silent, I will have to take the pain that it brings without complaint.

Do I instead, say my piece but risk embarrssement, or my worst nightmare, a strain in a very valued relationship?

The person in question is probably the only person that I would consider as worth trying the second option for.

Okay, what I just typed above made me realize that either way I might end up hurt (that's the only conclusion to the first option) so I might as well do the 2nd one. Then at least, I can say that I tried right?

If only it was so easy...

Again, I just realized the reason why the 2nd option is so difficult is because of the abovementioned worst nightmare scenario.

If I could, I'd want to let her know that even if she didn't see it the way I do, I'd want her to know that I'd still want to keep things the way they are.

I'd let her know that I won't stop doing what I've been doing for her as a friend because I told myself that I did those things out of sincerity and not because I expected something.

"Didn't you hope, Khai?" Yes, yes, of course. I hoped she would see my sincerity but I would have hoped anyway, whether or not I did those things.

Even after all this, I pray to God that I won't change in the way I act.

To quote a favourite lyric of mine, "You have me, forever and after"

Sigh. I don't know what to do.

It's not that I don't value advice or help. I do. I need it.

But this is the kind of thing where the ultimate decision lies only with one person.

Me.

Help.