The Shining Silver Lining In This Very Dark Cloud

It's not that I've been lazy to update.Well,actually I have but right now and I mean it literally,I am swamped! Marketing is due on Tuesday.And I have craploads to do.

It feels crazy.I feel like I'm leading the team.I don't want to.I never asked to.But I feel like I have to if I don't want to crash and burn this last semester before graduation.

I don't think I'm sleeping tonight.And I'll be performing in a competition tomorrow at 11am.Great way to prepare for it I'm sure.

I haven't much time to elaborate on the numerous problems I'm facing with the abovementioned project but I would like readers to note.

Roswell Girl been going through some similar stress with the project but last I heard,her group pulled through with the work.Good for her.

My recent conversations with her have been of a sharing nature.Of the stress we've been facing. This last one,only just happened and I don't know why but,my heart felt light after talking to her,releasing my burden.

It can't possibly be love and infatuation could it? I mean,I already know she's got a guy and I 'm still fond of her still..yeah,but...

I just can't explain the way she made me feel relieved and happy,even if it is just for a bit,just for a while. I can't explain the way she made me feel.

I think it was that she's been a listening ear.Something I needed.Very badly.

I just hope that this is for real and she doesn't drift from me again.

Is this how it was before? When we were close..when we shared our problems...

It feels nice.

I don't know if she meant to be,I'd like to think she sincerely meant it and so I'd like to say...

Thank you so very much Roswell Girl,for being there,for being a listening ear.

Now that that is off my chest,back to the work.

Lost In You Still As I Prepare To Lose You

It's just one of those days.

I remember at its zenith,I was actually dismayed that the school vacation had come round.For 4 weeks I held out.By the 5th week,I was a wreck.Just ask Taufiq,I sure told him so.

And now I just have 3 weeks left.3 weeks in which I have to enjoy remembering and reminiscing about herrrr..........=(

Yeah,we might end up at the same poly and maybe even the same course but it just isn't the same thing.

Yes,I am trying to forget about the way I felt about her.I don't need to remember how it was to be friends because no matter what happens,she will always be,at the very least,my friend.

But the feelings are stubborn,they want to stay.This is why I feel the way I'm feeling on days like this.

It's 5 days without her.It's been as long as 5 weeks before.In 3 weeks time,it will be 5 months and beyond.

I hope against this but I have a feeling that by no fault of either party,we'll both drift apart when we get to polytechnic and save for the mandatory 'wave-and-smile-when we pass-by-each-other',or perhaps the odd empty conversation when we have the time,we certainly won't be as chummy with each other as I hoped for us to be.

When I see her around,it would just remind me of how close we used to be.How she would come and talk to me when she was down.A thing of the past.

She wrote that she wanted a friend.A close one.Well,so do I."

"Oh circumstance,how could you be so cruel with regards to someone I hold so dear?"

Yes,I hold her dear.Not as bold as before for she has someone else now.But as a friend that I once could not help but have feelings for and become rather fond of.

I will do what I can to prevent this,even if I am just one man against fate.But if she wants it so,then there is nothing even I,can do/

When it became clear to me back then that I was quite fond of her,my immediate and greatest fear was that I would end up losing her the closer i tried to get.

Well,over the next few weeks,there will be an inexorable move towards this unwanted reality bearing fruit.

Then,I will start losing her for sure.If I haven't already.

We drifted apart once and it hurt.I don't want it to happen again.

I told you,today's just one of those days.

That I feel like crap.

That I miss her.

Even when I know I shouldn't.

But I still do.

Sit Yo Ass Down!

Fall Out Boy is coming to Singapore on the 3rd of March but I can't find anyone to go with.The people that I'm close to aren't fans of the band and the I'm not close enough to people that are fans.

Another concert missed.First Michael Buble,later Coldplay and now Fall Out Boy.Plus,tickets for the Phantom of the Opera are priced way out of my reach.Even for that one,doubt I can find anyone to go with.

If I had the money,you would have been sure to see me at these events.

I'll be honest,I have no idea what else to write.I've been struggling to come up with a post for the past 2 days.No surprise considered I've plunked my ass down at home and resisting overtures to go out and have fun.It's been boring at home for the most of it but fun at times.Mostly projects and a lot of TV.

Microsoft FrontPage is an absolute bitch.It really can get on my nerves.It sure did today.It's only fun when you take time to admire what you just did.

Not exactly the most interesting weekend.3 weeks of school left.Practically 2 since I'm only schooling on Wednesday and Tuesday this week.

Gosh,I hope something interesting happens real soon cos I ain't got nothing to post today.And let it be something good too,or else I'd rather it not happen at all.But life is such that I can't choose just the good things.I gotta take the good with the bad.

I want to sit at home and watch my various TV series either through downloads or rented CDs but I still have a few weeks to go.

Oh,my 3 choices for the PPE for polytechnic are probably going to be Diploma in Business,Law & Management and the 3rd one,previously undecided looks to be Diploma in Hospitality and Tourism Management.I was considering Marketing but I couldn't imagine myself coming up with sales pitches and working in advertising.

Forget this,I'm off to continue with my bloody FrontPage project.

Out.

Who Likes Who

My attendance figures for the HRA module have been of an attritional nature.Further damage was done this Wednesday and Thursday.I went to Temasek early Wednesday and didn't make it back to school on time.

Thursday's excuse is of some interest.

I was actually on my way to school and on schedule as I got on to a bus and planned for two transfers to get to school.As I got down from the 1st bus and waited for another,I patted my back pocket and to my dismay,found that my wallet was not with me.

Faced with no other alternative,I trudged myself back home,about 20 minutes away.All the while,I was considering the fact that I would have to pay through the nose to replace my IC and also my student pass,due to expire in weeks,would be wasted.Not much cash inside though,thankfully.

Along the way,I made a police report and also called the bank to cancel my card.I reached home and went to the bus service website to find out the number for it's lost and found enquiries.A quick called soon lifted my burden.My wallet had been found by the driver after all.

Presumably,no one else could notice it as it was the same colour as the flooring of the bus.I then had to make my way to the interchange to go and collect it.By the time everything was done.I reached school at 930.An hour and a half late.

Great.Plus.I have to go down to the bank and make a new card.I knew I shouldn't have cancelled it then.

Oh shite,I don't know what bloody else to talk about.Everything seems so boring.

Lets see,school's ending.Talked about that before.Will do so when it really is ending.

Haha,speaking of school.It was quite fun during break time.After sitting with the guys,some of us decided to join my mate,Iskandar who was sitting with the girls that day.Some one spotted Izah,and the class guys,being them,started making loads of wild noise.

Haha.Isk tried to point it back to me cos his point was that I had more right to go talk to her cos I had danced with Izah twice on DnD night.What ever mate.You like her more and you know she ain't my type.

That being said,I wouldn't mind getting to know her,though only on a platonic level,just as friends.

On a side note,I don't think I could anyway.Not so soon after Roswell Girl,who as always,has a burning soft spot in my heart.Sorry,mates,still ain't over her just yet.Ironically,Izah's mate,Syira,the other girl who danced with me on DnD night,is Roswell Girl's dance group-mate.

He probably won't read this but if I were him,I'd go for it.He's only got weeks left to go for it.School's ending.Sad thing for him is,this Izah's already got a boy.So I don't know mate.

I will be doing stuff for my AOA FrontPage project.It's actually fun.But tedious also.I can't really think of how to do it up creatively.

I still haven't gotten news about when I'll be getting my Basic German cert.No news from the school yet.Stupid buggers.Will have to give them a call.

V Day Today & The V Days After

Applications to polytechnic are nothing but an infuriating and puzzling labyrinth of mumbo-jumbo.

I'm going to apply for Communications & Media Studies under the Direct Admissions Excercise and Law & Management and Business Studies Diploma under the Provisional Posting Excercise via ITE.

Too lazy to explain the different exercises...ugh.

I went with Roswell Girl to Temasek Polytechnic.She was late but it was cool,I hung out with Kevin for a bit.We even saw a darker version of his girl,Salma.Lol.

Ah it's the day of Valentine.I don't believe in the day or its now-commercialised nature but hey,what's wrong with having a day to celebrate love? Isn't that a far better thing than celebrating success or power? Is love not a noble virtue?

Slowly I am grateful that things are looking okay between Roswell Girl and I.At least we got to spend time as friends together.

Maybe it's the nature of today but...

She sounds so happy to be with him.She doesn't have to say it.But I can feel it 'radiate' from her.Silly,I know.

He is one lucky guy.

Oh gosh,I must be bitten by the Valentine bug...

I do wonder what attracted Roswell Girl to him.Wonder what he did to seal the deal.

If you asked me if I would want to go back in timemeet her and fall in love with her all over again,even if my heart would hurt again,I would.

I loved her.She loves him.But I'm okay.

Well,it may seem that I'm rueing about missing out on Roswell Girl.Maybe I do do it.But again,not today.

I almost allowed myself to wallow in my misfortune on the way home just now.But I steeled myself.I liked that I felt stronger.

It doesn't matter that I'm alone today.I'll give it all today to the people worse off than me.People who feel all alone in the world.People who feel that their world has no hope and will never change.If God could help me pass my feelings to whoever they are,it'll be great.

It just reminds me of the charity work that I wish I could get to do when I'm older and I can afford it.A brick house for a mud one.A well for a puddle.These changes I could help make.by building them.It won't change the world but I know it would matter to the person I'm helping.That makes it matter to me.

And to that special someone I've yet to meet...she probably doesn't even exist.But if she does,to you I say: I'll see you soon and God willing,our Valentine's Day I'll make it special.If you don't exist,then it's okay,I'll spend it with kids that the world forgot to love,while building houses and wells.

Sometimes it may be hard to get up after falling down,after aiming as high as Roswell Girl.But I'm going to still be as robust,especially if I meet the right one.Some friends say I aim high,so be it.At least when I do go for her,I know she's gonna be a superfly girl.

Have a Happy Valentine's Day Roswell Girl.Even if you're with him.

We Got..We Got..Freaky..And..Danced...

I've been keep highly awkward hours this weekend.

Thanks to the highlight-reel filled DnD night.

Everybody made efforts to crank up the style meter and I daresay all succeeded.We made it a point to shy away from the conforming quality that came from the school uniform and we all succeeded with relative ease.

The event itself was as expected.It was fun at points.My class certainly needed no second invatation to live up to our reputation as the noisiest and the liveliest. A moment of congratulations for my mate who walked away with the title of Mr. Admin in the hunt for our course's best guy and girl. And not forgetting the 'sexy Shuoke'(that's what the girls call her) who made it to the 2nd round.

Then came what was undoubtedly the time of the night.Even if it was just for a while.I'd like to think that I made the most of it.The rest of the guys were a hesitant bunch,save for one else.They certainly did not try to enjoy it as much as I did.

I first headed in with the guys,But some of them cooled off after a bit.So I went in on my own.
I danced with my class girls,who were really cool.We cut a rug as a group and it was really fun.

I think this was God's way of paying me back for being in an all boys school for 10 years.He has done it a few times but this has been the most bountiful reward by my reckoning.

If it was fun earlier,things certainly took a contreversial turn later on.

I was minding my own business,in a way one would on the dancefloor when Roswell Girl came over and decided to up the ante and have some fun.For a while,I had a crowd cheering on as me and her were ensconed within a loose circle and we got it on.

I was surprised with what she did but hey,I was enough of a sport to take in my stride and reciprocate.We got close and boogied.I was very taken aback by her daring but hey I always knew she was a dance machine.Who was I to disappoint her right?

Indeed,good times Lil Lady,good times.

Flashback story: Earlier on in the day my group and reached quite early and we were shown to our table by the 1st year class that was in charge of our graduation project.There was this girl that was very nice on the eyes.There was something very classy about her looks.The effect is something similar to a formal Charlize Theron or Scarlett Johanssen.

Me and my mate were quite agreeable that she was a looker.

Back to the story,I was again dancing about with the class and then I turned and then saw her with a friend.I recognised the friend from being in the same dance group of Roswell Girl.

Anyways,she saw me and danced over and started dancing with me.So did her friend.I couldn't believe my bloody luck.This girl that was so hot and she wanted to dance with me,of her own accord.There she was,grinding up on me...

Later on,I was talking to some friends from another class when one of them went up on the stage,part of an extended dancefloor,if you will.A few people were already there.

I'd thought I join him,so I climed up as well but a few seconds later,I saw the 2 girls again.Yet again she danced over to me.My friend backed away and I suddenly found myself alone with 2 girls + 1 more - they bought a friend. This dance was even freakier for me to deal with.Grossly outnumbered 3 to 1.These 3 proceeded to surround me and dance.Any inclination to back away were immediately taken away when they surrounded me.I had no choice but to go with the flow.Things were getting very tight.Space was a premium which meant all the dancing was in very close proximity.*Ahem,Ahem*

Dayum...

Even my mate had noted that I managed to dance with her twice.

Haha.It was all good natured stuff and a lot of fun.Especially dancing with Roswell Girl.And another was with the 2 dances with that girl and her friends.They were all memorable for different reasons.Roswell Girl cos of all the history and emotions,the other girl cos of the fact the was a complete stranger and I had such a good time with her.

She even said later that she enjoyed dancing with me and looked forward to dancing with me again in the future.

I know Roswell Girl and me haven't been as close as before but all the same I still enjoyed dancing with her.Thanks to her for being comfortable enough to dance with me.I hope you don't mind when I say I enjoyed dancing with you.I love that you were provocative and daring.*Ahem,Ahem*Even if we were grinding and real close and it was suggestive and eveyone was making fun of me just cos it was you I was dancing with,I'm just glad that my friend was cool enough to dance with me,when we haven't been close in recent times.

=)

Though it was all definitely not for those aged below 18.Would be weird if the teachers had saw any of that.But I am fully aware,what happens on the dancefloor,stays on the dancefloor.I certainly progressed and breached new levels on the promise I made to be less shy and more sociable.

Haha.

After taking picture after picture a group of us went to chill at Indochine.We went for an early morning meal at Macs before walking to the Esplanade to chill some more.Many jokes later,3 of us shared a cab home at 615 am.I reached home at 7 am.Fell into bed 10 minutes later.

Consider the fact that I had gotten up on Friday morning at 6.10 am,I had been awake for 25 hours.I still haven't gotten my body clock right over this weekend.

Graduation night was a night of looking back on 2 years and memories and I certainly made new ones.

Hahaha...

Dance,man,dance.

What It's Worth To Me

Prologue: Elyra,you don't need to read.Everything I want to write for this post I already told you.Lol.

Today was phototaking day.

So I'm supposed to get these photos and keep them as moments of the past,captured.

I will.

Remember about how things were,that's what I'll do.

How are they now?

Just thought about how things are between Roswell Girl & I right now.We're good right now I think.But they way we left things,it wasn't right I feel.

There is still so much I want to tell her.

About how I feel even now,that she's drifted away after telling me she doesn't want us to do that and wanted us to be friends.(Does she even realise this?)

I want to tell her that I wish for her all the best with her and her new guy.May he love her the way she deserves to be loved.

I want to save what ever remains of our friendship,whatever that has survived.

I guess what I want is closure.Things are left hanging between us.After the exchange of letters and the talk.I feel that what we talked about didn't really happen.

I'm fine now.I really am.

But.

My birthday card from her still stands atop my television.I still see her letter placed on the shelf behind my bed.It reminds me of her.And if I just leave them be,I feel that those things are gonna be the only things that I have left to remember her by.

I would also be reminded that I couldn't control my feelings and I lost a friend cos of that.I still wonder if I hadn't made it so obvious that I was trying,whether we would still be as close as before.

Closure.I don't know how to explain here.

I can't ask for more from Roswell Girl.She has her guy now and I can't ask her why we're not as close as before.

But what I can do is tell her how I feel about all this and wish her,from the bottom of my heart,all the best for the future.

But like what I told Elyra,this can go 2 ways.It'll be great if I did it and things go well.But if Roswell Girl takes offence and gets mad,then that will be surely the final nail in the poverbial coffin.

I am in quite a quandry as with what to do here.

Last time I tried talking things out(ie:the letter) she ended up going further away.If I do something of similar nature,I may end up losing her forever.

But I still want to try.If I succee then I know I cleared up the air and banished any lingering doubts.

So what should I do?

She may not care.Honestly,she doesn't need to care.But I am hoping against hope.That she will listen.

What I know is that I need closure.I owe it to the friendship I had once.I consider it a significant one.Even if she may not.

Just Another Week Ahead

It's been a rather different weekend,having spent most of it with the family.Doesn't happen often.Usually we're busy with our own things.

It was okay I guess.

Finally got my pants and shoes.I look a little dull I think,with the whole brown look I have.But I tend to play down how I look anyway.I suppose I'll look just fine under the bright lights of the DnD.

Tomorrow,phototaking day.Wanted to go to the barber but he wasn't in.Bummer.I guess what I have on my head will have to do.Will be cut before DnD night though.It is imperative that while I won't look the greatest,I should not look like a nimrod on that night.Shallow..I know.

I'm sure it will be a snap-happy night with photos to pose for everywhere.There is a small chance that my class will be sedated.Depends on how the approach this.We can make it fun if we want to.If not,it'll just be another 'thing' on the itinerary that we have in ITE.

HRA CA on Tuesday,AOA CA on Thursday.DnD Night on Friday.Looks like another busy week for me.Typical.It's not really busy like,tiring.Not all the time.All the time in ITE,there always seems to be something that I need to do.

Used to it by this time anyway.

They will be ending soon.To be replaced maybe by frenzied activity of another kind soon.5 weeks left innit?

That's short.

P/S - The soccer lads have gone and retained the Asean Championship.Good on ya lads...that's back to back stuff,that.You made those who care proud.