Say

To be honest, I don't really have the mood to be here. But I realize this is the only place I can go to and just let go. You know, instead of keeping it all inside, which would only murder me.

For some reason, the 2nd week of the holidays have felt worse as compared to the first.

Both weeks were mind-numbingly dull in a good way, if that's possible.

But perhaps, I've had too much time to think.

There are just things running around in my mind that need to be resolved. Some things I feel need to be said and told.

I believe this is what some people call closure.

I feel like no matter how many others I talk to, the only one that can relieve me of my troubles is the intended recipient, the subject of my troubled musings.

But at this point of time, I'm not sure if that person would want to listen.

This isn't due to to some mean streak that just disregards my feelings. It's just my feeling that she's facing some other people and problems that she's gotta help out and help deal with first. Even after that, I'd think she rather deal with her own daily issues first.

I really feel I don't want to be another burden that adds to her load. So, I'll just keep my own burden to myself. Plus, I'm not she's got enough time to give a damn. There are other things that are more important in her life.

For the most part, I'm all right. Really.

It's just that some days are tougher than others but that is to be expected, isn't it?

There have been times where I've had the time and opportunity to say what I need to say but the time and environment were never right. It's the kind of thing where two parties need to sit down and one says his piece and the other party listens.

A crowded mall and is hardly the place. This isn't a piece of gossip that can be discontinued and picked up again at a later time.

At least that's what I feel about it.

I don't think that this post is a fair reflection of my general mood and demeanor. I'm just letting go of all the negative energy. I think I can still be pretty cool and not go all, emotional and all that.

But everyone has troubles, right? These are just mine. I'll carry on normally, with the troubles at the back of my mind.

Still, I'd dearly wish she'd want to listen. I just don't know if I can ask her if she wants lend her ear to another troubled friend when she already has one on her hands. That would be equivalent to dumping my troubles on her when she did not ask for

Nonetheless, you'll find me telling myself to keep my chin up.

I Only Possess Heartbreaks & Pseudo-Literal Ambitions

The quiet weekend continues into a quiet Monday. It's not what I'm used to for sure but I ain't really complaining.

Amidst all the procrastination, I actually managed to finish up a really short story, which was really nice for 2 reason; I hadn't done a story for a while and also cos I followed through and finished up on something I said I was gonna do.

I've been in an inspired funk. There's blobs of inspiration in my head but I'm having trouble forming them into clear story structures

I've been addicted to Geo Challenge on Facebook. It reminds me of the educational Carmen Sandiego games on PC I used to play as a kid. They really were educational. Otherwise, I wouldn't have known what the capital of Hungary was at the age of 10.

Remembering this, it made me wish that I was more intellectually open. I used to eagerly read Newsweek. I also think I don't read enough. The kind of stuff that people would call 'general knowledge.' Stuff that isn't considered important enough for daily life.

I want to know things, be smart and not just act smart. It won't come in handy anytime soon but it'll be great for when I'm a dad! I'd love to teach them things they wouldn't normally learn about in school (not in Singapore anyway)

Kids? Yeah, thinking way too far. Especially since I can't seem to get the girl. For the latest developments on how I'm feeling about matters of the heart, I refer you to this:




Emo? I must disagree. While I tend to be very naive about this kind of thing. I can be a well-balanced individual. It's been a difficult past 2 weeks, cut me some frickin' slack.

To end on a positive note, I'm excited for this movie that will be coming out next year. It's 4 hours long and 17 minutes long!

That even beats Bollywood movies! It's so long that it's coming out in two parts, released together.

This movie, is going to be extraordinary for sure. Question is, will it be an extraordinary epic or an extrordinary flop?

What movie is this? It is the the story of Ernesto Guevara.

Who?

You see his fashionable and trendy face all the time. Today, he is a fashion statement. In reality, he is either a revolutionary or a beast, depending on who's side you take. Some may know him as 'Che Guevara.'



Let it load first, if you see it necessary and your connection is a bit slow.

This movie is a big risk. Already some people are saying that it falls flat and fails to capture so many aspects of the contreversial character. From what I see, I won't be surprised if the brilliant Benicio del Toro gets Oscars noms for his portrayal of the title character.

For those of you who expected something more in this post, I do apologize. This is what you get from a man boy who's moving on from heartbreak and currently in a self-proclaimed creative mood.

As I Turn The Page To Start A New Chapter, I Reminisce How This Last One Was Probably My Favourite

The term tests are over. Didn't go as well I'd hoped but I'll survive.

My reward for that was to have my allergies pay me a visit. There's still here as I sit, typing this out. A lousy start to the weekend. Hopefully, the United game will cheer me up later.

There's not been much for me to cheer about this past week. In fact, given the way things went, my spirit should be crushed and ripped through shreds. It probably has been, the first few days. I think the reason why I sound all logical here is that I've been worn down to a sedated state.

Am I still hurting? At times, yes. But I knew this was coming. I've been as prepared one can be for these kind of things.

There is a slight glimmer of hope within me but that is often overshadowed by uncertainty, disappointment and despair.

There is still a talk that is supposed to come, for the sake of closure. I'm sorta looking forward to it.

I've been wasting a lot of time on Facebook. Particularly on Pet Society and Geo Challenge. It's addictive as hell!

This weekend I'm taking a brief respite before returning for the projects.

I want to buy a new book. Been ages since I've had a good read.

So here I am. Wishing my past all the best as I always have wanted for them. Looking to the future with trepidation with nothing more than a small vial of hope to hold on to.

Running Round My Mind

I just finished studying a chapter for the midsems next week. Will continue after this.

Geez, I can't seem to even take 4 days. How am I going to survive the upcoming 2 week holiday?

What am I talking about?

I'm talking about surviving to not being able to see something I've been used to seeing this past semester in school.

And to this particular issue, there is this burning question in my mind...am I too late?

Did I even have a chance in the first place? If I did, am I to regret chickening out the last time?

I have an opportunity to try again soon, how do I go about it?

Dreadfully sorry, but as you can see, there are a lot of things on my mind.

I wish I could have an open talk. Real civil and sincere.

I do hope when I do gather the courage to take the opportunity, that there is no backlash of silence, refusal or anger.

Despite what seems to be a spate of natural pessimism from a mate of mine, I can't let others' opinions stop me from doing what I want to do.

I believe that no matter the outcome, whether positive or negative, I can work things out with the other party.

I don't view the world through rose-tinted glasses but I simply believe in the civility, maturity and goodness of the other person.

Am I delusional?

Nice & Early

Back early from school today. About an hour and fifteen minutes in school on consultations for two projects and then back home.

Something awfully disconcerting about being able to go home as scheduled. The usual reason I stay in school till late would be drama. Even if there's no drama, I usually have friends to distract me from coming home in the daytime.

With drama in a post-show lull, mid-sems coming up and the mates mostly in camp, coming back home is the only option.

Although, I must admit, the 'free' time that comes as a result of this is sort of...liberating.

I intend to put it to good use.

• Finish off online assignment
• Study one chapter of my A&P notes, in view of the aforementioned mid-sems
• Somehow find a copy of Legally Blonde: The Musical
• Do the same thing for Britney Spears' Circus

All this while still pondering about the course of action I should take in my ongoing dilemma.

She's having a good time now. That's good, and I MEAN IT. I did say, her happiness is all that matters.

After all, Ja Rule once said, Pain Is Love.

Pain Or.....Pain?

Waiting for a mate to finish class so we can go have lunch.

I wasn't planning to do a post but I think it's the only way I can release my pent-up confusion.

Given my affinity with words, I suppose it's somehow right that writing, albeit in an electronic form, gives me some sort of therapy. Otherwise, whatever I have will just eat me up on the inside.

Like I said, I'm confused, conflicted, afraid. This is also in relation to the previous post where I said I had much to say but wouldn't given the late hour at that time.

I don't really know how to organize my thoughts so that they would be typed out in a way that makes sense but I'll try.

I don't know if I should keep silent or voice out. If I keep silent, I will have to take the pain that it brings without complaint.

Do I instead, say my piece but risk embarrssement, or my worst nightmare, a strain in a very valued relationship?

The person in question is probably the only person that I would consider as worth trying the second option for.

Okay, what I just typed above made me realize that either way I might end up hurt (that's the only conclusion to the first option) so I might as well do the 2nd one. Then at least, I can say that I tried right?

If only it was so easy...

Again, I just realized the reason why the 2nd option is so difficult is because of the abovementioned worst nightmare scenario.

If I could, I'd want to let her know that even if she didn't see it the way I do, I'd want her to know that I'd still want to keep things the way they are.

I'd let her know that I won't stop doing what I've been doing for her as a friend because I told myself that I did those things out of sincerity and not because I expected something.

"Didn't you hope, Khai?" Yes, yes, of course. I hoped she would see my sincerity but I would have hoped anyway, whether or not I did those things.

Even after all this, I pray to God that I won't change in the way I act.

To quote a favourite lyric of mine, "You have me, forever and after"

Sigh. I don't know what to do.

It's not that I don't value advice or help. I do. I need it.

But this is the kind of thing where the ultimate decision lies only with one person.

Me.

Help.

"Didn't Quite Turn Out The Way I Imagined It Would"

I really shouldn't be here. Not at this time.

Principles of Corporate Communications test later on at 9.

Haven't studied it one bit.

Absolute brill, isn't it?

Something significant was supposed to happen over the weekend. But it didn't cos I chickened out.

Still, it was a good weekend though. Thumbs up to Wahida a decent show. Nice to see her again after so long. The last time was the chalet.

Actually there's loads more to write but I'll save it for a more reasonable hour.

Till then, here's hoping I'll make it through tomorrow's test.

Teetering On The Cliff's Edge

Out of the convoluted mind of Roger Milliard the writer, Derek the Director reenters the real world as Khairul, the 21 year old student, the ordinary extraordinaire.

Back he goes to school to face a trial project presentation that he totally forgot about. Thank God, it wasn't a graded one.

It's a slight comfort to have a break from drama this past Friday. I'm sure things will soon pick up after a bit, seeing as to how the next event we are gonna have is on the 9th of Jan '09, the TP Open House.

Being very near the mid-point of this semester, it sorta jolted me. Pretty soon, I'm gonna be a 3rd year student.

It kinda snuck up on me. It didn't feel too far back where I was lamenting the unfortunate nature of being a freshie.

Now, I'm already gonna be facing mid-sems on the 12th of December.

Supposed to watch a play tomorrow, hope it's decent. I am paying a fair bit for it.

Looks like I'll have to shelve plans to get the latest edition of Football Manager release till next month. I saw it just now and was very tempted to get it. Very. But I managed to hold out.

---

I've seen some interesting things over the past few weeks. Politeness has given way to indifference and even resentment, as true colors are shown and seen. Some of the negativity may be justified, but most of it isn't.

I think it's a matter of tolerance and also understanding that everyone is different and there is no reason to be hatin' on someone just cause they don't agree with you.

Personally, I'm not really affected cos I stay out of it. I do so by not bothering really. Life's complicated enough without trying to turn it into a soap opera.

For the record, I don't claim to be immune to being human, to disagreeing and disliking things. But I'm just stating the fact that I've seen/known about some interesting things that have unfolded in my environment.

---

I'm not expecting any joy to come out of this thing I'm thinking of doing. I wish I could be more positive but it looks bleak.

But, I owe it to myself to at least give it a shot. If I have to take a bullet and bite the dust, I want to at least know my intentions were good and sincere. Honest-to-God, no hidden motives.