Conflicted

Ooohhh..I just gotta vent today.Not mad,just a lot on my mind.Well,I was mad earlier in the day but it has cooled now.

It all started when I overheard Roswell Girl talking to her galpals in the class talking about going out and having dinner.I didn't get to hear clearly who she was with.Whether it was with her (ex?)boy or a new guy.That's not the point though.

What it is is that I felt green.Jealous.Yes,I admit I was.I had that knot in the stomach.I had to reproach myself.

These were the days that I told myself would come.Days where I would feel the hurt,hearing her going round with a guy that's not me.

I just felt plain crummy.

But I reminded myself of the promise that I made.That I would still be her friend and put on a figurative 'business as usual' sign around my neck.

I had the chance to prove that later.It was during rehearsals for Teacher's Day.She was dancing and there was the one move that she was doing,with her back to the audience.

Her buttcrack was visible.Rather crude indeed.All you pervs can just sod off.

I could have done nothing.I could have enjoyed it.But I didn;t like the idea of pervs getting a free show on that day so I messaged her about it.She replied asking more about it and I told her to be careful to not let all the jerks in the crowd get a free show.

It wouldn't be surprising if she had said thanks.Which she did.The next sentence was the one that got me.

'You are a true friend =)

That just reminded me what I was in it for.It was bittersweet.Her words made me feel all warm and glowy inside cos she appreciated that I took the noble route.Yet the phrase 'true friend' told me once again that I was a friend and not something else that I wanted to be to her.

There was a point where I was 'mad' at her.Natural reaction.Lol.I was 'mad' at her cos I wanted her to be mine but she wasn't.I looked at her from afar and just pretended to not care.Throwing a tantrum I guess =0

That was before the messaging.So obviously I was okay by the time I messaged her.

There are times where I resign myself to just being her friend and other times when I want her so bad.I'm so confused.

On her birthday,I gave her the card and the brownies.Decided not to give the bear.Also added a Friendster testimonial.Maybe I'll get the opportunity to give her the bear some other time.

Hoped she liked it.Especially the cute kitty on the card.

Back to today,I'm just so confused it's almost like I'm suffering from a split personality disorder.

Sometimes I'm okay with being just friends.Most of the time I'm not and I want her BAD.