A Tale Of Two Girls..Same End Result

These are crazy times that we live in.Today was certainly a crazy day for me.Another rehearsal day but that's not the cause.Words and thoughts filled my head with chaos.

So during some free time we had during the rehearsals Roswell Girl and I got to talking and she was sharing her problems with me.Again,I'm afraid I can't go into detail because of the confidentiality factor.All I can say that is she is facing a fork in the road of life.But later,she also revealed that she had got to know this guy that she thinks has the hots for her and she is also drawn to him cos he has a perfect gentleman's conduct.

All right,I'm man enough to admit that I was a little jealous when I heard that.I was angry with myself that someone else had come into the picture.I was like that for quite a while,angry that I never got a chance with a girl I really thought was 'da bomb'.Angry at who,I really don't know.Maybe just at fate that I felt was unkind to me.

I was also angry at myself.I was furious that I had allowed myself to fall in love with not one but two girls.I thought of myself as a 'stupid arse',cos I'm supposed to be crazy about MJ and I wanted it to remain that way,without Roswell Girl not being in the picture.

I hated that someone else had captured her heart and AT THE SAME TIME I was angry at myself for being angry at that cos it showed that I was jealous for Roswell Girl,something I did not want cos I only wanted to have eyes for MJ.

After a few hours I began realising that as I felt that Roswell Girl was a 'top' girl.She deserved not only any guy she wanted but a guy that could give her everything she wanted and needed.I did ask myself whether I could be that guy. I honestly have no idea.All I know is that if given the chance I would try my best.Also realised that she did say she was had started to have feelings for this guy cos of who he was and I had to respect that.If I was a hopeless romantic like I thought I was,then I would definitely have to understand.If I liked her and she had no feelings for me then it would be pointless and I would not have gotten her no matter how much I liked her.

Anyways,she seems to be really taken by this new guy and I told myself that if this guy turns out to be right then I will be happy for her,cos she deserves nothing less.

So,if I do that where does that leave me? Ah,never mind,a small sacrifice is okay as long as she's happy.She is someone who I think deserves to be happy,even if I lose out.I don't know how she feels about me but I know that I have a friend that in my opinion,is a real friend I can talk to.She's a great belle and someone I'm glad I have the honour of getting to know.

Whatever road she chooses to take,I'll be there to support her.She's such a great gal that I realise that sometimes I may have mistaken her friendliness for signs and may have caused me to like her more

She also wanted to read my blog.At that time I was really tempted to tell her so that she could know the whole story,how I felt about her all this while.But I didn't cos I felt that the repercussions would be too negative.I would perhaps end up losing a friend cos it would be all awkward.I still have another year with her.

And then there's MJ....

She's already said through her bro that she only wants to be close friends.As crazy as I am about her,again,I have to respect that.If she does show that its okay for me to try then I will do my best to get closer to her and 'make her fall in love with me' ? Is there such a thing?.Anyways,I'll be friends with her,the best kind she allows me to be after we get to closer as friends,in terms of knowing things about each other,familiarity and closeness with each other.All I ask now from her now is a chance to try that.If later in the future somehow,she's willing to give me a chance for something more I'll grab it with both hands.

Everytime I feel anything about Roswell Girl I'll try my best to fight it cos one part of me says that I still have a chance with MJ.I'm so confused sometimes as to which one is the illusion and which one is the real thing.Or are both illusions? I still really want things to happen with MJ and that is why till now,I'm stil here hanging on.

I don't know but I think that it says something given that I'm willing to fight myself to keep at it with MJ.Gets hard cos I don't see MJ alot but I see Roswell Girl a lot.At times it gets reeaal crazy....Roswell,MJ,Roswell,MJ,Roswell,MJ...I like MJ.I really do.I wanna make things happen with her.

I also realise that MJ may not work out as well and I'll end up with neither for this part of my life.I'll have to accept it EVEN IF IT HURTS LIKE HELL.I'll study hard,concentrate on allowing myself the choice of being able to support myself financially in the future and hopefully God will throw something good my way.

Just thought that it was no matter which girl it is,I seem to have no chance.What I gotta do??? Save the world from a giant meteor before I get a chance? God....

Note: If these recent posts seem to be long and tiring to read,hard to understand but I'm just trying to explain the story and my feelings as well as I can.I understand if readers may get bored but if you do read this LOOONG post and understand what I am trying to say then I say thanks for taking time out of your busy lives to read.Its a real confusing time for me but I'll get over it.I always get back up.