Finding My Way

Things felt a little down today.I just wasn't feeling the vibe somehow.I didn't feel that good and I felt that to put on an act of perkiness would have been fake.I just felt it was too tiresome to pretend to be chirpy and talkative when I wasn't really feeling that way.This feeling spilled over from last night,when I didn't get much sleep,something was weighing on my mind.

As I previously stated,I do have a couple of ideas about prezzies for Roswell Girl.But ever since yesterday heaviness settled in,I realised today what it was.

I was afraid that I was getting myself into a mindless,futile chase with Roswell Girl.Just like I did with MJ.There's not much difference between the both of them if I look at it from a specific point of view,in which Roswell Girl is just much friendlier and features more prominently in my daily life.They're pretty in there own ways and they're just as popular.I was afraid that I would sink in the same unending bummed out chase that I was in before.

I was also wondering about the prezzies that I wanted to get her.Should I get them? All 3? The custom-made teddy bear,the card (a definite) and a Mrs Fields' brownie n cookie birthday pack? I don't mind the card and the brownies but would the bear would be too strong a statement? A statement with suspiscion of a hidden agenda?

My mate says that I should get the bear as I'm doing it platonically anyway.Just as a friend.That I shouldn't worry about how she would interpret it or any reprecussions that may come.Personally,I do wanna give her that bear but I'm just afraid that she may think that I'm hinting at something more about the both of us.Which,admittedly,I would like but I don't want her to know,cos it could change the friendship dynamics and make things awkward between us.

I'm also worried about myself.About my true intentions.Yeah,I wanna give her the presents with full sincerity but do I have any hidden agenda? I'm hoping against hope of course, falling into the abovementioned chase as I do that.

What I mean is if I go and do this,would I just be setting myself up to be hurt in the future.The solution is to really just remind myself that I'm giving her whatever presents I give just as a friend.I must be smart in the way I give them so she won't find it too awkward and scare her off.

Hmm,maybe I'm overthinking things like I usually do.Maybe my mate is right,maybe I should just take caution to present the gifts in an innocous manner.I must especially take care with the bear and put in messages of friendship to indicate the notion of friendship that comes with the gifts.

Must wait for the scholarship cash to come through first though.Should come in before the 23rd of the month.

I was just down today,even with Roswell Girl around.I'm still wondering where I'm going with her.I'm wondering how I should feel about you babe.

My CCA friend did say that if I really treasure the friendship and don't wanna make it awkward,I shouldn't try to start anything with her.But if I really like her and wanna take a chance,than its up to me.If I do and it works of course it's good.But if I try and things don't work out and then things would be weird between us.

She says that it will hurt,if we stay together as friends in the future to see her go round with other guys when I'm always around.Its like a front row seat to see my heart break.But she says that I no doubt,have to be strong if I really treasure her and her friendship and I will have to bear with it no matter how strongly I feel about her.

It's not just about the birthday but also how I want myself to relate to her and the birthday would seem to an indicative event.